What The Transformers Thought Of ROTF
by Kibble Beast
Summary: The G1 Transformers get together to watch and comment on the most epic movie of 2009. But just what will they think of- well, everything? Major spoilers, and rather insane. T for language and concepts beyond child comprehension. ;
1. A ResurRECTION, You Say? What's That?

Welcome, everybody, to WTTTOROTF. Yes, I'm lazy with those acronyms.

Bit of a long intro here, but a couple of things of great importance I'd really like to mention. If you don't want to read through, I don't blame you! Skip to point four. ;)

one) I did hold this back because I was debating whether to release it as it is- it's not _much_ like the first fic, and most of you seemed to love that one. But hey; I feel comfortable with it. Sucks to me if you lot hate it. :D Out of concern for your sanity, readers, I have broken it down into manageable sections and thus chapters. Don't ask me how this _one_ part got longer than the entire first story.

two) To make sure I covered various perceptions, I got some friends to aid me in my quest to spread amusement and mockery of one of the most EPIC movies possibly EVER. ;D I'd like to give a shout-out to those incredible people who helped me by either making _extensively_ detailed notes on the film, or braved watching it _with_ me. Tebsy, Kyle, and **Clumsy Peg**, _thank you _so much_._ Er, and those friends who made random comments which sparked ideas. You're beautiful. [It's _their_ fault this is so long.]

three) This is posted on a special occasion. It's someone's birthday today, someone amazingly special to me. :3 If it weren't for them, this would be posted next year sometime. Happy birthday! :D

four) I advise **watching the film**- or at least the first half of it- before reading, so as to refresh yourselves to its **glory**. :3

five) Please forgive any **misquotes**. I think I've been as accurate as humanely possible, but I had to type up _quite a few _lines from the film, you see. Point them out in a PM or something.

Um... I really, _really _hope you all enjoy and this lives up to any expectation you might have.

I repeat that **I love the movie-verse**; it's amazing. I do this just for great laffs and in the hope that it brings you great, guffawing, joyful laffs too, so please don't hate me if you dislike something in the fiction below.

**Warning: There be giant spoilers for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ahead. Arr! **

_Italics _indicate lines from ROTF, yeasss.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Transformers_. I do not own _Harry Potter_. I do not even own _Halo_. I do not own _Naruto_- and how it pains me to say it, I do not own _Star Wars_, nor _anything_ to do with these epic franchises.

I feel so insignificant now, but finally, we're off! :D

* * *

Megatron _had_ been waiting for the call.

Not that he'd admit it, of course- he was _Megatron_, in case you'd forgotten. He admits to nothing.

He stood suddenly, scowled in a most evil fashion, then shouted (a demanding task when you have a hoarse rasp for a voice). "STAAARSCRRREAM! SOUUNDWAAVE!"

Soundwave, who had been at a computer nearby, calmly turned his helm. "Lord Megatron...?"

Megatron silently began a countdown. _3...2...1..._

Starscream burst into the room, null-rays fully charged and just _ready_ to spit insults.

"Not today," Megatron sighed, waving a hand.

The Seeker twitched, tripping in his shock, and splatted gracefully onto the unforgiving floor.

"Get up, you pathetic excuse for a Decepticon."

"Yeah," Soundwave agreed melodically. "Get up."

"You _called_," Starscream snarled, unpeeling himself from the ground.

"We're going on a road trip!"

"Excellent," the colourful Seeker hissed. "Excell... where to, mighty Megatron?"

"To the **_cinema_**!" the Commander roared dramatically. "The **_cinemaaaaa_**_-!_"

"Wh- you do realise the cinema is no source of energon?"

"Of _course_, yeaas-!"

"...Are the Autobots there? Are we going to trap and crush the-"

"Yeaas, we are." Megatron strode to the door. "_This_time, movie-me is going to pound Optimus _so_ hard that he can't even _stand_. Then I'm going to kill him. Then I'm going to laugh until he feels humiliated, and _then_ I'll clone him again and _again_ and kill all of his clones! Then I'll express more amusement!"

He waited modestly for their approval.

Soundwave barely hesitated. "Conclusion; a fine plan."

Megatron proceeded to laugh in an evil, wheezy fashion as he continued out of the room. "Gather the appropriate mechs for this _mission_."

Starscream side-glanced Soundwave. "...You can't be serious. That's the most _useless_ 'plan' I've ever heard- and _that_ is an achievement considering we never actually get anything done around here."

"Agreed. Movie; out of our hands."

"...He won't take it out on _you_, though, if we lose again."

"We are _Decepticons_!" Megatron's voice rasped back through the corridor. "We do not lose!"

"We did **last time**!" Starscream shrieked, and ran after him. "Because of _you_ and your mistakes! Why were you so tunnel-visioned? May I remind you that if we had concentrated on the Autobots _first_ and _then_gone after the human, everything would have-"

"May I remind you that you _fled_?"

"Yes, but-"

"You ran away."

"Only because-"

"Let's not get into an _argument_: we have a battle to win."

Soundwave sighed, and let his helm gently collide with the monitor in front of him.

"But we're probably going to _lose_ because of your antiquated strat-"

"Silence, Starscream," Megatron replied gleefully. "Today, we shall be..."

* * *

"_United_."

Optimus raised an optic ridge at both of them. "United...? You two?"

He had been posing in the foyer when the Decepticons had arrived (with much drama, of course).

"GO TO THE SCREEN," Megatron roared at his minions. "No, _wait_! Constructicons, get the best seats! Soundwave! Take control of technical thingymabobs from the Autobots! Reason; they suck! Blackout- I don't know if that's you or not, but glare menacingly at _everyone_-"

Optimus regarded Starscream. "And you're happy being _united_?"

The Seeker scowled. "The orn I unite with Megatron is the orn I become a humble and obedient servant, Prime."

Having had finished commanding everyone around, Megatron cuffed him cheerfully. "And that orn is **today**!"

Starscream hissed. "Any _orders_?"

"...Go and um... do something."

"Like _what?_"

"Oh, use your over-bragged about processor and think of something." Megatron turned to Optimus. "I hope you're ready to lose, Prime."

"Didn't you say that when we went to see the first one?"

"...No. Anyway, where are all the fleshlings? I haven't even seen one!"

"Ah, that's because I've arranged a controlled hand-over," the mech replied nobly. "My fellow Autobots are organising them as we speak."

"OH MY GAWWWWD! GIANT ROBOTS!" A human shrieked their way into the foyer, then ran straight into Megatron's leg.

He was swiftly followed by a small army of fleshy beings, all stampeding around.

"That way...!" Optimus raised his voice slightly, and pointed towards the door. "...Try not to panic, Megatron. They'll be gone in a moment."

The Decepticon twitched. "It touched me."

Another human screamed and flailed their arms above their head, wailing about Doom and other such lovely things, and successfully encouraging more of his ilk to join him.

"ALL I WANTED WAS TO SEE EVIL TRIUMPH OVER GOOD FOR _ONCE_! WAS THAT SO WRONG?"

"NOW SATAN IS HEEERE!"

"SATAN**_S,_**" a female corrected noisily, although I doubt whether you can have a plural of Satan. Oh well. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Starscream shuddered furiously and strode over to her. "YOU! FLESHLING!"

"She has been _chosen_!"

"Bow before her-"

Starscream's null-rays powered up in reflexive anger. He grabbed the woman roughly, then hurled her out of the room. "GET OOOOOOOUT!"

The humans all paused for a moment in shock before hoarding after her. "We are granted life!"

"Away!"

"The shrieky one lets us live!"

Starscream's wings flicked as he stamped away, heading to their screening. "I have had _enough_ of today!"

Optimus gently touched Megatron's shoulder. "...Are you okay?"

The Commander jolted back into life. "Y-yes. The thing just startled me, that's all."

"It's gone now...thank you for not killing it."

"You should be grateful. I was _that_ close." Megatron indicated how close he had been with a finger and thumb.

"That is indeed _close_," Optimus whistled. "You managed to control yourself, though."

They headed after Starscream- after Optimus collected his popcorn, of course- but paused in front of the closed door.

"Well, open it," Megatron demanded.

"I can't! I have popcorn in my hands!"

"I'm not opening it."

"Why? It's the logical-"

"I'm not opening a door for you."

"But-"

"No."

Optimus sighed. "I can't open the door. Not that I'd open it for a rusty _thing_ like you, anyway."

"Reducing yourself to mere _insults_ now, Prime?" Megatron leant against the wall. "Surrender and open the door."

"Not everything is a battle, Megatron! There are no _winners_ in opening a door for someone!"

Megatron didn't agree. "STAAAARSSCCRREEEEEAAAAAAM!"

There was a faint shriek from inside the room. "WHAT NOW?"

"COME HERE!"

Prime sighed. "Do you all have to be so melodramatic?"

"Of course," Megatron replied.

Starscream swung open one of the doors moodily. "How may I be of service, oh mighty Megatron?"

"Don't you love it when he says things like that?" The silver mech pushed past Starscream and strode inside.

"Doesn't he ever realise you're being sarcastic?" Optimus asked the Seeker, bewildered.

"His blindness has reached the point of _me_ sometimes wondering whether I'm being sarcastic or not."

"Thank you for opening the door, anyway."

"Is that what I was called for?"

Optimus debated lying. "...Yes."

Starscream hissed and strangled the air. "I'm going to _kill_ him!"

The Autobot looked around, seeing no free seats. "Where exactly am I sitting? Do you know?"

"...I saw your cardboard cut-out in the front row." Starscream gestured.

Bumblebee waved frantically. "OPTIMUS! HERE!"

Prime reached the front and saw a heroically posing Optimus reclining in a chair. "Aha-! Thank you. ...Who made these cut-outs?"

A little further along, Ratchet pointed at Ironhide. "It's part of his rehab."

"Ah enjoy paintin'! Takes mah processah off-"

"No, Ironhide!" Ratchet produced a wrench and pointed it at him. "What did you do wrong?"

The red mech panicked. "Ah did somethin' wrong?"

"No thinking of explosions or weapons."

"...Ah unnerstand."

"It's for your own good, Ironhide."

A huge white mech coughed politely. "Is it wise to bring him to a Michael Bay film?"

"He has to face them sooner or later. Besides, this one can't be as full of explosions. ...And _you_ would be?"

"Um, Skyfire."

"There isn't a Skyfire _in_this film!" Megatron shouted, slamming himself into his seat.

There was a crunch as his cut-out was crushed.

Ironhide whimpered. "Mah hard work..."

Megatron snarled and ripped it out from underneath him. The face was hideously deformed, and his previously neatly painted scowl was now a delirious smile.

"Ah, s'undamaged," Ironhide beamed.

"Damn good," Sideswipe agreed, bouncing down the steps and jumping into his seat.

Optimus turned around to face him. "Where's Sunstreaker?"

"...He's not in Revenge of the Fallen."

There was a wail of anguish from outside.

"Well, he can come in and watch it, you know."

"SUNNY! COME IN!"

A long pause and a whoop preceded a reply. "NO! I SHALL DO WHAT I MUST!"

Loud smashing sounds followed this.

"Is he wrecking the place?"

"My guess is that he's going off to find my trine mates," Starscream sighed.

"JET JUDO! Now I'm tempted to leave!"

"The fool is going to get pulverised," Megatron shrugged. "His loss."

"We're having a _truce_," Optimus reminded. "No one is going to be pulverised... except your movie-self and therefore your ego, Megatron!"

"PLAY!" The Decepticon Commander roared. "These pathetic cheesy sparring matches rile me!"

Soundwave began the film.

Ironhide, looking around, was worried. "Ah think- this everyone tha's sposed to be here?"

"...Well, we have plenty of nameless Decepticons," Megatron shrugged, "so they'll suffice. Your side?"

"Um..." Optimus did a helm-count. "There aren't very many... we must be missing someone-"

Ratchet scoffed. "Jolt doesn't exist, and Mudflap and Skids are essentially just figments of your processor. I think I've seen one of them about once, _ever_. Arcee barely cameos, so we're okay."

Arcee growled and pulled a gun from sub-space. "You wanna say that again?"

"Shut it, femme." Ratchet sniffed. "They never wanted your kind in the movie anyway, so they kil-"

"STOP!" Optimus howled. "No spoilers! Have you watched it already?"

"No. I just have... contacts."

"...Did you read the book!" Starscream shrieked. "You did! You read the novelisation!"

Ratchet blew upwards onto his chevron nonchalantly. "I'm saying nothing. Especially not about how you get-"

Jazz burst in. "Am I alive yet?"

"...No."

The Porsche drooped, then saw that the film hadn't begun. "RADICAL!"

Megatron groaned. "Tell me he's not just going to _stand_ there the whole time."

"...No way _José_," Jazz grinned, throwing himself onto a seat. "I can't wait t'see my resurrection."

"No one _likes_ you. There is no chance of you coming back," Megatron snarled.

"The adverts always take so _loooong_!" Bumblebee whined, distracting them all.

Jazz helpfully threw an instruction manual at Soundwave. "...Hey, Soundsy- y'can skip them. I did it last time. Just-"

"What's the point in them?" Ratchet fumed, nearly at a ranting level. "No one _wants_ adverts unless they're late and stuck outside the cinema, trying to buy a ticket! And only _humans _would be late!"

The blue Decepticon frowned, confused. "Purpose; advertising. Adverts compile the most thrilling sequences-"

"_Soundwave_," Megatron hissed, "Skip to the _film_."

The blue mech did so, not even pausing once. Not even for Harry Potter. "Lord Megatron; Soundwave has a query."

"What?"

"Query; is Frenzy alive?"

"If not, and you're carrying a lifeless body within your chassis, that's disgusting."

"Not in the movie-verse," Ratchet answered, seeing Megatron was misunderstanding the question. "He died."

Soundwave turned away. They could see his shoulders shake slightly.

"...It was... a highly courageous death," Optimus reassured. "He was outnumbered by many over twice his height. And many times his width."

The Decepticon sniffed quietly. "Support; unnecessary... but Soundwave is grateful."

"_Soundwave-!_" Megatron snarled, heedless of the moment. "You've passed the beginning!"

Starscream tutted, preening at the thought of someone else being the target of Megatron's wrath (for once).

"Don't push it," the Commander hissed immediately. "I'm sure there will be amazing displays of uselessness from _you_."

"SHUSH! We're starting!" Jazz shrieked.

"Can't you feel the _tension_ rising?" Arcee sighed.

Sideswipe frowned. "What _tension_?"

Skyfire thought he should answer. "The _tense_ electronic sounds, and the dark, foreboding clouds of Dreamworks-"

"...Shut up."

There was a short silence as the opening credits continued, eventually resting for a moment on a dark screen.

"...**_Before time bega_**-"

"SIDESWIPE!" Optimus roared, emphasising his displeasure with a punch.

"Eek! Sorry...!"

"_Earth. Birthplace of the human race-_"

"I'M BACK!" Optimus cried, throwing his arms into the air. "It feels _good_ to have such a commanding presence with voice alone!"

Megatron scowled. "Be silent, Prime. I can't hear your masculine tones."

"_Sorry_," Optimus mouthed.

"_-a species much like our own; capable of great compassion... and great violence. For in our quest-_"

Arcee was already scornful. "Would this compassion be whilst they're hunting that tiger?"

"...Do tigers actually live in _Egypt_?"

"That's a Bengal Tiger," Skyfire helpfully identified. "It would reside in As-"

"Michael Bay says so," Optimus replied. "It _must_ be so. Do not question him."

"But-"

"Stop picking holes in his movie! We're under half a minute in!"

"-_our quest to protect the humans-_"

"HA!" Megatron stood, clenching a fist happily. "You must protect them from something, and it must be me! For I am-"

"Terrible and evil," Optimus agreed. "Now hush and sit down."

"-_worlds_ _have met before._"

"...Imagine Earth an' Cybertron smashin' inta each other," Ironhide pondered. "Or sayin' 'Hi' as they pass in orbit-"

Ratchet hit him. "Why would you even-?"

"Wouldn't it be funny," Megatron announced, "if that lone human standing on that pointy cliff fell and bounced to his death?"

Ironhide giggled in appreciation.

A large plot device was revealed onscreen, with many beings prancing around nearby.

"What in the name of Unicron are they?" Sideswipe demanded. "They're so thin!"

Skyfire spoke up. "I would assume that they are some kind of ancient ancestors of ours-"

"Well, they're not humans," Megatron jeered. "Well _done_."

"They're just anorexic Cybertronians," Optimus defended. "Leave them be!"

Onscreen, a human bared his teeth.

"_Nice_," Jazz winced. "He needs some floss. Or a toothbrush, or something."

"They're _ugly_ looking, anorexic Cybertronians," Starscream corrected Prime's earlier statement. "Just _look_ at that one!"

Said ancient ancestor/ugly anorexic being angrily stamped around, and-

"EUUGH-!" Arcee squealed. "What _are_those?"

"...What things?" Jazz asked.

"They're on his _face_! They- they _wiggled_!"

"Maybe he's just pleased to see the humans," Megatron suggested.

"Do _you_ wiggle when you see humans?" Sideswipe sniggered.

"...Wouldn't you like to know?"

The Transformers watched as he picked up a wriggling, shouting human.

"Hands; Soundwave suggests ugly anorexic being washes them," Soundwave remarked disgustedly.

The ancient ancestor/ugly anorexic being dramatically huffed and snarled angrily in a close up.

"...I wouldn't like t'run inta _him_ in a dark alleyway," Jazz commented.

"Why? If it was dark, you wouldn't see his disgusting _face_," Starscream argued, not quite understanding the terminology.

"...Starscream, if dark alleyways which negate ugly faces make y'feel better about yer part-time profession, that's up t'you."

The Seeker frowned. "My part time..._what_?"

Jazz's snigger was lost as a shrieking Starscream jumped on him. "Steady, Screamer! I'm not one of y'cust-"

Megatron snarled as he paced over. "I am trying to watch this _film_!"

"He's insulting me!" Starscream screeched.

"And? It's not like it's new to you," Sideswipe yawned.

"_-major toxic spill-_"

"What do I care for toxic spills in Shanghai!" Optimus scowled, focused entirely on the film.

Megatron took one of his Air Commander's wings and dragged him back to his seat. "I think you need to learn another lesson."

Starscream hissed. "Get a _life_."

"You will stay on the floor again," the Decepticon Lord decreed, slamming the other mech onto the ground.

The Seeker twitched and scrambled to his feet. "But- you can't be serious! This film is even longer than the first! I-"

"Face your punishment like a Decepticon," Megatron growled, pointing to the carpet near his feet.

"Yeah," Ratchet interjected. "Run away."

Starscream glared at the Autobots, then at Megatron's menacing finger and slowly sank to the floor. "This is _so_ unfair. Do you know how uncomfortable this is?"

An official looking operations centre appeared. "..._Chinese airspace has been locked and sealed; one mile radius._"

"_Give NEST team the go._"

"Woah, wait-!" Jazz gasped.

"What now?" Ratchet scowled.

"That's th'_dude_!" Jazz looked around excitedly. "He was in th'desert in TF1, remember? He _died_!"

"...Oh, _him_." Bumblebee giggled. "That guy who said '_We will_**_kill_**_you_', then got obliterated by Blackout?"

"We don't _know_ that he died," Optimus sighed. "It's widely assumed, but-"

"Don't ruin my moment-!" Jazz shrieked. "If he can come back, so can I!"

_"Ding-a-**ling**_**-**_"_

Ironhide twitched. "Tha's no-"

"-_bad robot out there better get ready for an ass-whoopin'!_"

Ratchet hurled a wrench at the screen. Luckily, it was foam, and merely bounced off. "...Who _replaced_ my wrenches?"

"I wanted to be able to _watch_ the film," Optimus admitted calmly.

"Does that idiot expect to be taken _seriously_?" Ratchet decided his Wrath was better expelled towards the movie. "An _ice-cream_van? Actually s_aying_'ding-a -ling'?"

Jazz laughed geekily. "Hehheh... you said 'ding-a-ling'."

Before serious harm could come to him, there was a diversion to soothe Ratchet's anger.

"Not only those things, but he is also _pink_," Starscream agreed with the medic. "This is outrageous."

"Not to mention that he'll likely be an Autobot," Optimus sighed. "He won't be a Decepticon, as most people seem to think that they have more self-respect than Autobots."

"It _is_ true," Megatron cut in. "One example; you wouldn't catch _me_ being lubricated on by a small runty thing. Nor lubricating _on_someone."

Bumblebee felt a pointed glare. "...I thought it was funny...?"

"It'sa 'con!" Ironhide sighed in relief as the purple emblem was revealed on the side of the van.

"Primus, no!" Megatron snickered. "You missed the Autobot symbol displayed proudly on the front."

Indeed, the camera was _still_ focusing on the vehicle.

"_For the last two years-_"

"For once, I'm _so_glad that your voice is back," Ratchet sighed, closing his optics. "...It's like a sedative."

"Not in a _bad_ way though, Prime," Jazz agreed, relaxing completely. "It's so soothing, like..."

"My cannon _blasting_ your helm _off_ of my shoulder," Megatron snarled, shaking the saboteur off of him. "...Dirty Autobot."

_"We're locked and loaded_._"_

"We?" Sideswipe frowned, then turned to Arcee. "Did the movie-you just say _we_? As in plural?"

"**_We_**!" the femme shrieked. "What is _that_ supposed to mean? Why are there _three_-"

Humans scurried about and drove some small forms of transport around conspicuously- until the camera switched to a welcome face.

"-_right, listen up._"

"Damn, he's sexy," Arcee sighed. Feeling many pairs of optics suddenly burn through her, she felt a need to continue. "...In human terms, of course."

"_-toxic spill-_"

"What do I care for toxic spills?" Optimus raged. "This advanced-team thing had better not be some kind of cleaning job!"

"Reduced to clearing human _waste_?" Megatron chuckled. "Oh, the hilarity. The **_hilarity_**!"

"Why is he sweating?" Jazz asked. "He's not exertin' himself, is he?"

"-_this makes six enemy contacts-"_

_"_Get _in_,_"_a certain evil Decepticon cheered. "My boys are going to kill you all!"

Optimus didn't even need to reply.

Skyfire disagreed with the statement. _"_Note that the contacts have not been anything more than _contacts_."

_"Note_ that Earth is not controlled by Decepticons," Sideswipe shrugged.

Ratchet stuck his wrench in. "Note that you're _failing_._"_

"...This is Starscream's fault," Megatron snarled. "He's supposed to be in command in my absence. He's _failing_."

Starscream was about to shriek in righteous outrage (or _unrighteous_, depending on what you think of the back-stabbing weasel/ inexplicably adorable Air Commander).

_"-keep it tight."_

Megatron snickered. "Yeah, Optimus, keep it tight."

_"-called_**_NEST_**_. We_**_hunt_**_for what remains of our Decepticon foes-"_

"I just loved the way you said _NEST_," Arcee sighed. "You sounded so... firm... and-"

"Sounding a bit vicious, Prime," Megatron remarked- not that he was worried, of course.

"Yeah, well, _yeah_."

"...Movie-you is admirably brutal," the silver mech continued. "Except you're still weak and could never defeat me."

"_-around the globe._"

"And _again_," Arcee wailed happily. "The gluhhhhooobbbe. How _do_ you do it?"

Optimus sighed heroically. "I don't know. ...I just don't know."

Ratchet sniggered as the back of a vehicle opened and humans on smaller wheeled machines reversed out. "Wouldn't it be funnier if they fell off?"

"Do they think they're playing Halo?" Sideswipe wondered as the humans rode around on their transports en masse. "How many Warthogs and Mongoose-things do they need?"

"Why don't they walk, the lazy mammals?" Ratchet thrust a hand into the air. "No wonder they're so unfit."

"I doubt that these men are unfit," Skyfire tried. "They must be at the peak of possible health if they are part of such an-"

"_Alright, Ironhide. We got echoes._"

"Did tha' human jus' _pat_mah-?"

The Transformers watched Ironhide's grunt-filled transformation.

"...This might be good if we could see anything."

"Why is the shot so close-up?"

Optimus was otherwise occupied. "Ironhide, you had human soldiers riding in you... did you give them a chance to get out?"

"Nah."

"_He's here; I smell 'im._"

"That's inappropriately amusing," Jazz giggled.

Onscreen, humans scurried around (in)conspicuously.

"_It's close! Getting closer!"_

"What rating is this film again?" Optimus asked, wondering if he should cover Bumblebee's optics.

"_Oh_**_no-_**_!_" another familiar soldier exclaimed dramatically.

The damned-sexy one appeared. "_What've you got?_"

"_A thermal ripple._"

"A thermal ripple?" Arcee frowned.

"Is that supposed to mean something?" Starscream asked, bewildered.

"...sounds a bit threatenin', ah suppose..."

_"-be steady... we're almost on top of him...!"_

Sideswipe tried out the potential threat on a random Decepticon. "I'll give _you_ a thermal ripple-!"

There was a giant explosion.

Ratchet sighed. "Was that only _five_ minutes in?"

"Wouldn't it be amusing," Starscream suddenly announced, "if those bouncing pipes hit and squashed a human? ...I know you're all thinking it."

His commander gave an approving chuckle. "Yeasss, yeassss...!"

There was another explosion.

"This is a well-contained situation," Optimus sighed. "Why didn't they let _us_ deal with it? Seriously, what hope do they have?"

"They surely could have planned it better," Megatron agreed.

"_Requesting fire mission_**_now-_**_!_"

"Why does the dead guy look so annoyed?"

"_Gunships on station, roll in hot!_"

"The humans do realise that those are helicopters, and not _ships_?" Jazz wondered.

"...Nor do they roll," Sideswipe agreed.

The Decepticon smashed some helicopters casually as if he did it every day.

"Why were the humans flying so close to him?"

"They were asking to be hit," Megatron scowled.

"He could just have been stretching," Arcee shrugged. "He might not even have wanted to kill anyone."

Ironhide agreed. "It's not his faul-"

"WHERE AM IIIII?" Optimus wailed.

Onscreen, a car's headlights flashed suddenly.

"_We got a second Decepticon!_"

"...Does turning your lights on make you a Decepticon?"

"Obviously. Those lights are bad-aft."

"_Arcee,_**_twins_**_! Target coming your way!_"

The Transformers watched in awe for a minute as the snazzy Audi zipped along, oblivious to Arcee's attacks.

"Is Arcee- I mean, the Arcee threesome just stroking him?"

Ratchet was disgusted. "Seriously, could she be more ineffective-"

"Go, nameless 'con with some protective aura-!" Megatron laughed, then turned completely serious. "I have to get me some of that stuff..."

Optimus paused. "Is that five versus _one_, and he's still getting away?"

"...Wow," Arcee concluded in the resulting silence. "We _suck_."

The anonymous Decepticon dived through a building, as you do.

Jazz frowned behind his visor. "...Why did that human throw themselves to the floor?"

Starscream was unhappy too. "The other doesn't even move!"

"Ah," Bumblebee declared suddenly. "That's a cool looking Decepticon!"

"Where?" Jazz was confused.

"...You blinked; you missed him."

The ice cream van crashed, revealing that there were, in fact, two Transformers within.

"This is like those Russian doll things," Megatron exclaimed. "Perhaps there's more hidden within those two! Then I can destroy them all at once, and feel _ultra_ satisfied-!"

"Please do," Ratchet grumbled. "I have a feeling we're going to hate them even more shortly."

"_I screwed that up. I'm okay, I'm alright-_"

"Seriously," Optimus muttered. "I hope he dies."

"_Bring in_**_Sideswipe_**!"

A particular red Autobot clenched a fist in excitement as a silver Transformer appeared. "Oh _yes._Bring in the _sex_- that's what they should have said!"

"_Clear a path!_"

"Wait- why can't you bring in yourself?" Starscream asked.

"What?"

"Why, _idiot_, are you being ordered around by a human?"

Sideswipe froze for a moment. "...Don't ruin this!"

"Sorry." The Seeker shrugged. "Just seems stupid."

There was a moment of utter coolness as movie-Sideswipe flipped into the air like some kind of ninja, shooting at and simultaneously hurling a sword at the Decepticon below.

They watched the nameless 'con be impaled.

"...Is he just slowing down?" Jazz demanded.

Ironhide was incredulous. "He's not goin' t'transform an' fight?"

"He's not going to speed up and flee?" Starscream screeched, then paused. "...Not that I do such things."

"_...**Damn**, I'm good._"

"OMIGOSH HOW AWESOME AM I?" Sideswipe shrieked.

"Did they get your personalities mixed up with Sunny?"

"If you want my opinion rudely imposed upon you," Megatron shouted, "then I say it was cheesy and ruined the moment!"

Nearly everyone ignored him.

"No one cares about your opinion," Starscream scowled. "It's not even worth sharing, so **save** it next time."

Megatron twitched and kicked the conveniently placed Seeker. "...My opinion is _fact_!"

"That isn't so!" Starscream hissed, ignoring the fact he had toppled to one side.

"...Uh, yes it is."

"Isn't!"

"Silence, you two!" Prime ordered. "Behave, or get out!"

"...Only if he takes it back," Starscream muttered.

Optimus narrowed his optics. "There will be _no_more time spent on this. Understood?"

"...Yes, Prime. "

There was a happy moment of silence.

Megatron rapidly snapped at Starscream. "Yesitis."

"_Enough_!"

The Unicycle of Doom continued down a bridge.

"_-we need big Buddha-_"

"What?"

"_-four, three, two-_"

"LOOK!" Optimus howled, jumping out of his seat and diving to stand right in front of the screen, fists clenched before him in sheer exhilaration. "That's my flamboyant counterpart!"

"His headlights are on," Ratchet noted.

"Doesn't that make him a bad guy, like Nameless Decepticon #2?"

"Why are they on _anyway_? He's in a _plane_."

Optimus flung his arms into the air and whooped. "GET READY TO BURN, DECEPTICONS! FEEL MY FLAMES!"

"Get back here," Ratchet growled. "You're in the way, _big Buddha_."

"...Why _is_ my codename 'big Buddha'?" Optimus suddenly realised, returning to his seat.

"Hahahaaaa," Megatron laughed dramatically. "You're driving out of a plane and you _can't fly!_This movie is as good as _mine_ once you smack into the ground and offline!" He paused. "...Although only _I_can kill you."

There was a moment of stunned silence before parachutes blossomed out from movie-Optimus.

"Suck on _that_, Megatron! I bet _you_ don't have parachutes... with your_symbol_on!"

"Curse you, Optimus Prime!" the Decepticon wrangled the air, then pointed at the screen. "You have different blades from before! They're curvy, and-"

"_Autobots-! I'm in pursuit!_"

"...I like the way you address the _Autobots_, and not the humans," Ratchet approved. "Suck on the _division,_fleshlings!"

"Woah, Ratch!" Ironhide gawped.

"A little passionate," Sideswipe agreed. "...But I like it. No mammal tells _me_when I will be brought in!"

"Yeah!" Arcee cheered. "I'm all for the good-looking human eye-candy, but a niftily flipping Optimus is all the better!"

"...Is someone going to come along afterwards and pick those parachutes up?" Skyfire asked. "They'll just be lying on the floor somewhere; great, big-"

"Speedy transformation!" Optimus gasped. "...I've really cut down on how long it takes me since _Transformers_ _07_!"

Movie-Optimus flung himself at Nameless Decepticon #1 in a heroically selfless manner- and then swung lamely and uselessly from him.

"Nice _jump_, Prime." Megatron scorned.

"...Wha exactly is movie-you hopin' t'do?" Ironhide asked, confused.

Bumblebee had faith. "Optimus always has a plan!"

"Watch and learn, fools!" The leader of the Autobots discreetly crossed his fingers.

Movie-Ironhide dramatically burst through some flames.

"YEEHAW!"

_"Pull over!"_ movie-Prime demanded rudely from his new perch.

"...Well, at least the scriptwriters got one thing right," Ratchet noted. "So far, the cheesy lines have been of an almost cringe-worthy quality."

"You didn't even wait for Nameless Decepticon #1 to reply before you started blasting, Prime!" Starscream sneered. "Such-"

"Shut up, Starscream," Optimus ordered. "Ironhide, your movie-self is shooting at Nameless Decepticon #1, but how did you get there? How did you catch up?"

"You're soo sloooow," Jazz frowned at the red mech. "How did y'do it?"

Nameless Decepticon #1 suddenly toppled, skidding under a bridge with much scraping and ado.

"See now, _that_ is why you need legs and not two giant wheels," Ratchet lectured. "Had he legs, he could get up."

"But he doesn't, so he won't," Megatron snarled. "Shame on you, Autobots!"

There was a slight pause as the other occupants of the room wondered whether to remind him that there was no reason for the Autobots to be shameful at this moment.

"_Punk-ass Decepticon!_" movie-Ironhide announced, huffing his way over.

"...I love your voice," Arcee sighed, clasping her hands together. "So... so refined, yet-"

"Ah think so too," Ironhide agreed. "Prime, can ah shoot him?"

"_Any_**_last_**_words?_"

Megatron sighed and turned to Optimus. "...Let me get something straight, Prime."

The Autobot turned his helm slightly. "Yup?"

"That one, _there_, is Optimus Prime. ..._You_."

"...That's what I thought."

"So _why_ is he being so menacing?"

Optimus frowned. "He's only shooting off one-liners."

"_This is not your planet to rule... the Fallen shall rise again-!_"

"Sounds like ah plot bunny," Ironhide yawned. "Prime, can ah shoot him now?"

"_Not today._"

In many continents around the world, fangirls died at Optimus' new hard side.

"Did movie-Optimus just shoot his _face_?"

"Well..." Skyfire noted, "If he wanted to rise and rule _today,_this 'Fallen' character have about two hours left, seeing as it is after ten o' clock. Therefore, Prime's factual deliverance contains rather less of an impact than it w-"

"Not _only_ is he being menacing, he's being rather cruel," Megatron continued. "You can't just go up to someone before you kill them and-"

"Woah, Megatron." Prime snorted. "Any more on how scary movie-me is, and I'll start to think you're afraid of him-"

"Never! NEVERRRRR!" Megatron roared. "I FEAR-"

"Popcorn?" Optimus shoved a bag under his nasal-plating.

"Starscream!" the Decepticon Commander hissed. "What are you _doing?_"

The Seeker frowned and turned. "Watching the film...?"

"Do not lie!"

"But I'm not lying!"

"You _disgust_me!" Megatron kicked him.

"WHAT! That was totally uncalled for!"

"Abusing you is always called for. Now shut up; can't you see I'm trying to watch? ...What did I miss?"

Starscream immediately clung onto his leg. "You missed two dogs hum-"

"NO, STARSCREAM!" Megatron hurriedly hit him again. "Young people could be reading this! ...Rewind, Soundwave. I must see whatever I have missed."

There was an outpour of complaint, mostly consisting of "NOOOOOO", "WHAT THE FRAG?", and "Please- no! I'll do anything!".

Megatron was set on rewinding, though. So rewind Soundwave did.

"Stop here, _heeeerrrre_!"

The main human appeared. _"Why are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?"_

Optimus huffed. "That's a stupid question. I wish _I_could get rid of him."

_"-got other ideas for your room, and it rhymes with home theatre."_

Bumblebee blinked happily. "Foam St. Peter?"

Ratchet cuffed him. "That's a stupid idea! What would that mean? I think it would be... chrome parking meter."

"Home space theatre?" Jazz went more _out there_.

"Comb your heater?" Optimus shrugged.

"_It's your little baby booties!_"

"...They're very _clean_ baby booties," Starscream puzzled.

"I concur," Skyfire pouted thoughtfully. "The footwear is near spotless, but one would assume the immature human would be journeying across-"

"No, Skyfire. Stop."

"_March, young lady-!_"

There was silence. Optimus reached out and wordlessly covered Bumblebee's optics.

"_That was a really creepy move-_"

"For once, the human is right," Megatron croaked.

"Please, Soundwave. For the love of _everything_, forward this."

The Transformers watched the scene in high speed.

"What in Pit are those dogs doing!"

Bumblebee pulled at Optimus' hand. "What's going on?"

"Shush, Bumblebee," Prime replied. "I'm protecting you."

"_Faster_, Soundwave!" Megatron hissed.

Jazz snickered. "That's wha' they _all_ say."

"Wait, wait- it's that _thing_ from the first movie!"

Soundwave resumed the film at normal speed.

"I thought humans generally wore clothes...?" Skyfire pouted in thought.

"...Mike? Is it Mike?" Ironhide frowned as he tried to remember.

"Mike is a _male's_ name," Ratchet corrected, scowling at the girl-thing who was clearly **_posing_** on a bike.

"Muhuh_muhhh_," Bumblebee whined, pawing at Optimus.

Prime blinked, then firmly shook his helm- not that the yellow mech could see. "No, Bumblebee. It's still too visual."

"...That doesn't even look comfortable," Starscream puzzled, tilting his helm to see if it looked any comfier at another angle.

Megatron hurriedly covered the Seeker's optics, roaring at the screen. "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"

Starscream flailed with a screech. "What are you _doing?_"

"I am protecting your innocence," the Commander replied. "Now shut up and be grateful."

The bright mech shrieked hysterically. "I'm the _Second in Command_of the _DECEPTICONS_! I _HAVE_ NO INNOCENCE-"

"Silence," Megatron ordered, slamming Starscream's helm back into the seat behind him. It splintered and broke, prompting a scowl. "_Now_ look what you've done!"

"I can't seeeeeee," Starscream wailed, scratching at him.

"That's because you're useless."

Mike spoke. "_I'm breaking up with you, Sam._"

"_I'm not hearing a lot of conviction-_"

"Sam, my boy... _that_ is because she can't act," Optimus muttered.

"_-you almost sounded serious that time._"

"Practice; it makes perfect," Soundwave nodded.

"_You kept your nasty, shredded clothes?_"

"Of course he did," Prime shrugged. "I touched him whilst he was wearing them. It was a great honour."

"No," Megatron hissed. "_I_touched him! He keeps them as _my_privilege!"

"You did not!"

"Did!"

"Did _not_! I, and I _alone_touched Samuel Witwicky!"

The two Commanders- each with a hand covering (in one case, a quietly snarling) subordinate's optics- glared at each other.

"...Can I just say I thought keeping the clothes was disgusting?" Sideswipe offered.

"No- _NO_!" Megatron growled. "_Disgusting_ is _MY_ WORD!"

"Woah, remain calm an' in yer seat," Jazz helpfully butted in.

"_It's just that my self-esteem is at an all-time high,_" the boy said.

"Not for long, fleshy!" Ratchet howled.

"_That's not gonna happen until I get my man-child father_**_fresh_**_out of_**_prison_** _back-_"

"...Shout it out, why don't you?" Starscream hissed, still trying to wrestle Megatron's hand away from his face. "Declare your deviant relative to the world!"

"Yes, she's just going to drop her entire life so she can spend some time with the boy," Megatron snorted, clouting him cheerfully. "JOKE."

"_...**Camshafts**-_"

Optimus growled, already covering Bumblebee's audio receptors. "This is ridiculous!"

Soundwave slowly toppled over, smashing into the floor.

"What's up with Soundsy?" Sideswipe pouted over.

"...I don't think his processor can handle it," Ratchet diagnosed.

"_Why can't I hate you?_"

Ironhide huffed. "Mike, there's hate enough ova' here t'cover for that."

Suddenly, the boy's eyes flashed in an alarming fashion.

"What's wrong with him?"

Ratchet scowled. "There's nothing wrong with him... _yet_."

The Cube fragment suddenly burst from Sam's fingers and jauntily journeyed down into his kitchen.

"...Why did the Allspark react?" Optimus frowned, finally removing his hands away from Bumblebee's helm.

"_There's a fire-!_"

"Burn, fleshling!" Megatron cheered.

"I want to see him _buuurnnn_!" Starscream wailed desperately, trying to heave the other mech's hand away from his face. "Please! _Twelve_ year old _humans_ get to see this film!"

"And you're even more immature," Megatron reminded kindly, keeping his optics covered. "Be a good boy and shush; the adults are trying to watch."

"Eh," Ironhide pointed. "Tha' mini-bot has ah-"

"Gun on his crotch...?" Optimus paled and covered Bumblebee's optics again.

"See, Prime? You were too quick to trust Bay. It will be your downfall," Megatron warned, stamping on a now-raging Starscream.

"Why are they going to seek out Sam?"

"Why are they all Decepticons?"

"Idiots!" Jazz cried. "Do not question!"

Optimus agreed. "It's called _lack of reason behind a plot._ And where that little device is, he comes hand in hand with his twin_; lack of character development._"

Starscream's audios pricked at the sound of weapon fire. "Is he being killed? Obliterated? Can I see? Can I see?"

"...Why aren't their guns _working_?" Ratchet shouted, hurling another wrench at the screen- this time, it was made of felt. "Why isn't he peppered with holes?"

"How is he survivin'?" Ironhide sighed.

"...I don't know, but I want one of those small things," Megatron announced. "I'll trade Starscream for one."

The boy's unimportant father flung himself harshly to the floor- onto his face- for no actual reason.

"Maybe they aren't firing regular ammunition," Skyfire offered. "Maybe they're... popping Rice Krispies?"

The dog-house exploded after being hit by a missile.

"_BUMBLEBAAAAAAAAY!_"

"Bumble_bay_?"

"Is he calling for the director?" Skyfire frowned. "Has he forgotten his lines?"

"Is he worried or frustrated that he's going to be killed by a well- I mean, _ill-_placed explosion?"

Jazz scoffed. "Come on, Sides. If he was worried about explosions, why would he be here?"

Bumblebee- having been allowed to watch his battle scene- clapped, laughing giddily. "I'm so cool! I actually do stuff!"

"Yeass..." Megatron hissed. "You're very efficient at killing little baby Transformers, aren't you?"

Bumblebee dropped miserably. "Oh..."

"Ignore him, Bumblebee," Optimus commanded. "He's just jealous."

"Am not!" Megatron argued loudly. "You wait! I'll have my own children to abuse!"

Sideswipe cackled as the mother of the boy ran into a hanging basket. "Now _that's_comedy."

"_BUMBLEBAAAY! Get in the garage! I'm about to have a nervous breakdown-_"

"...He's about to? He _is_a nervous breakdown," Ratchet sneered.

"_Just go in the garage quietly, please-"_

"Talk about grateful," Jazz complained. "They'd likely be dead by now if it weren't for Bumblebee!"

_"Get in the garage NOW!_"

Bumblebee started to cry. "That isn't fair!"

Movie-Bumblebee seemed to think so too. "_Whatever!_"

"Why is Sam so cruel?" Jazz wondered.

"I'll squash him for the good of us all," Megatron rasped. "Yeas... _yeas_..."

"...You're not even _alive_," Ratchet snorted. "How will you be doing that? Will you use the Force?"

"Yeah," Starscream snarled, finally ripping Megatron's hand away from his face. "I don't even know why you've come to watch- it's not like you're coming back!"

The silver mech laid upon him a Look.

Starscream flinched, expecting it to be hate-ridden and painful, but-

Megatron sighed, shaking his helm slightly. "Starscream, _Starscream_. I can't expect you to understand. ...Tell him, Optimus."

Prime leant forwards and smiled at the Seeker gently. "We _can't_ die, Starscream."

"Of course you can! Megatron did in the first-"

"Which means _nothing_!" the large Decepticon nearly sang, slapping Starscream's cheekplates lightly. "When you're a main character, you'll understand- well, _if_ you were. Not _when_. Don't want to get your hopes up."

Starscream stared at them both in terror. "You're as deranged as each other!"

Megatron sighed. Both Commanders gave the other a one armed hug, squeezed each other closely, then settled back into their chairs, arms still around the other.

Starscream twitched.

"See, Starscream?" Optimus began. "We can give each other hugs-"

"MECHLYhugs," Megatron impressed, "because we respect each other."

"We respect the other's status as immutable," the Autobot continued, then smiled sadly at Megatron. "It wouldn't be _Transformers_ without you, Megatron."

The Decepticon blinked. "Do you mean it? Really?"

"Of course. I do not lie; I am Optimus."

"...The same for you, Prime. What would I do without you? My days would be spent waiting for you to come and foil me!"

"Why is the girl stripping?" Bumblebee asked innocently before a blue hand slapped over his optics.

"_I just want to be normal, 'bee!_"

"Now _that's_ a good pun," Ratchet chortled. "The twitchy one? Normal?"

"_But- you'll always be my first car...!_"

Bumblebee burst into tears. "It's that little smile! He's so cruel, but I can't be angry! That smile has broken me!"

"_...Love you, 'bee._"

The yellow Autobot howled, and ran out of the cinema.

"...Why didn't he give the shard of the Cube to Bumblebee?" Sideswipe frowned. "Surely he's a better guardian than the clotheless-one."

_"I...**adore**__you..."_

"Wha' is this?" Ironhide demanded. "Where's tha 'splosions?"

"_It's not the same word-_"

"Soundwave! Forward this sickly nonsense!"

"_Soundwave acknowledges."_

Megatron had a quick double-take. "Was that you or _you_?"

_"Pursue her; retrieve it_."

"As talkative as ever, Soundwave!" Jazz cried with glee.

"Soundwave; pleased by his counterpart," the Communications Officer announced.

"I heard a rumour that Ravage was in this," Sideswipe shrugged. "Isn't he going to watch?"

Soundwave drooped slightly. "Cruelty; Soundwave will not let Ravage watch his own termination."

"Who says he's going to die?" Megatron growled. "Don't be so pessimistic, and live a little!"

"He's a clever kitty," Jazz shrugged.

"Yeah," Bumblebee chirped, sniffling his way back in. "Ravage isn't stupid enough to be killed. Not that I'm insulting Frenzy, but you know..."

The dark blue Decepticon considered this for a moment. "Ravage; eject...!"

"_Yeah, baby. It's upgrade time._"

"_Yes it are!_"

"I don't even know what to say," Ratchet shook his helm, petting a attention-seeking Ravage absentmindedly.

"_Time to get ma sexy on with-_"

"Is he _dancing?_"

"...I don't want to look anymore," Sideswipe groaned.

"...Are they fighting over which colour? That's pointless- their names are on their number plates already."

"Let them have their movie-magic," Optimus sighed.

A suited man burst onto the screen and thrust a document into someone's face rudely.

"He nearly ripped that," Sideswipe pouted. "Wouldn't look so cool then, would he?"

"_-what an honour..._"

"He's going to be a complete aft, isn't he?" Jazz proposed, watching the suit-man with distaste.

Ratchet watched him as he did most things- with distaste. "Yes."

"_This area serves as the Autobots' hangar,_" the good-looking one proclaimed.

"...What's going on?" Ironhide asked, confused.

"_Nothing's_ going on," Bumblebee beamed.

"That's mah point," the red mech pouted. "We ain't doin' nothin'."

Bumblebee fell silent and tried to unravel the last sentence uttered.

"Why are we just _parked_?" Arcee shrieked. "WHY?"

"What in Pit are _those_?" Starscream asked, frowning as he attempted to work it out. "Those spiky things surrounding you?"

"I'm not happy with this." Ratchet 's mouth pursed with a decidedly not-calm intake of air.

Sideswipe wasn't happy either. "Don't we have anything to do?"

"Apparently you all have OCD," Skyfire mused. "Look how neatly you're positioned."

"_Secure link to JCS is up, Major!_" a random man suddenly roared inappropriately.

There was silence for a while.

"...Eh up, Soundsy; you're up to something-!" Jazz paused. "Uh... what, exactly?"

Soundwave was watching intently and did not respond.

"Tendrils..." Optimus covered Bumblebee's optics. "I sense the young should not be privy."

"What nonsense! This is PG-13," Starscream snorted as movie-Soundwave loomed upon a satellite. "Nothing would happen."

They all watched for a moment. Silence consumed the room.

Starscream slowly reached for Megatron's hand and covered his own optics with it.

This tentative movement prompted anarchy.

"Woah, _woah_!" Sideswipe clawed at his optics. "NOOO!"

Ratchet twitched. "We'll just look away. Then we won't be able to see it."

Ironhide was frozen. "Ah can't look away. Ah _can't_. It's too awful."

"Why, Bay?" Optimus whispered. "Why?"

Ratchet had begun shaking with Wrath. "It might not be Bay. You can't blame _everything_ on him. Blame those writers."

"Oh, the ones who have been paid to ruin us?" Jazz asked.

"I don't understand," Megatron complained as movie-Soundwave threw back his helm. "What's the problem?"

The tendrils- plunged deeply into the satellite- quivered slightly.

Ravage whimpered and covered his optics with his paws.

Jazz's visor flooded with tears. "Poor, defenceless satellite. She was just doing her job..."

"Admittance; Soundwave cannot see troubling issue. Movie counterpart; hacking human communications device."

"Ah," Megatron smiled knowingly. "_Ah_! Yeaaas, the Autobots are upset because they're losing."

Starscream wailed quietly. "I don't want to watch this film anymore! No one said anything about graphic satellite mol-"

"CRIPES," Optimus shouted suddenly. "That's a sexy glance over my equally sexy shoulder!"

"_-who made him?_"

"SEX made me," Prime answered smoothly. "**_Sex_**."

"_The only recorded history of our race was contained within the Allspark-_"

"Well, that's pretty stupid. Why not_..._oh, I don't know- research into it or something when it existed? ...These movie-fools are nothing but fools," Ratchet snarled.

"-_lost with its destruction._"

Skyfire twitched at the same time as Starscream choked and dived forwards in a passion. "_Energy_ cannot be destroyed!"

Movie-Soundwave continued probing the satellite.

"Don't you have anything else to do?" Arcee asked Soundwave. "Just gonna... y'know. Float around in orbit, touching that satellite?"

"_Excuse me-!_" the rude Suit-Man shouted, and eagerly pounced on the nearby ladder.

"Uhoes," Jazz muttered. "He got a rant comin'."

"-_President's just appointed him liaison._"

"...That was a beautiful roll of the eyes," Arcee sighed, melting. "_Gorrrrrgeous._"

_"-but not your advancements in weaponry!"_

"Imagine that fool trying to hold my gun," Optimus snorted.

Movie-Optimus was as impressed as his other self._"We've witnessed your human capacity for war. It would_**_absolutely_**_do more harm than good..."_

"Ha! See that smarmy guy's face! Jab that finger, Prime!"

"Deny it!" the Autobot Commander urged, staring intently. "I dare you to try!"

_"But who are_**_you_**_to judge what's best for_**_us_**_?"_

"I AM... OPTIMUS!" Prime roared.

"_-open invitation to come to Earth, vetted-"_

"See now," Barricade shrugged, "He's just an angry, unimportant person picking fault wherever."

Sideswipe nearly jumped- although he was too damned good and cool to actually be shocked. "B-barricade? When did you get here?"

"I'm _always_ here," the police car replied. "_Especially_ when you think you're safe."

Bonecrusher loomed over a seat. "Is the film over yet?"

Bumblebee turned around with a slight bite of the lip. "...Bonecrusher, you're kind of dead... why are you here?"

"I hate this film."

"_...when our national security is at stake-_"

A sudden and highly dramatic close-up made the more highly-strung members of the audience jump.

"-**_no one_**_is above reproach_."

"...He was th'kid nobody liked at school," Jazz stated.

"Nah." Bumblebee shook his helm. "He was the bully."

They watched without comment as Suit-Man summarised _Transformers_ in about four sentences.

"Is there any point in staying to watch this one?" Megatron pondered. "I mean, we could just come to see the third movie; they'll tell us what happened in this movie then."

"You're _rusting in peace_," Starscream giggled. "What wit from Suit-Man."

Suit-Man sounded very happy. "**_Surrounded_** _by-_"

"...That's real conspicuous," Jazz pouted at the heaving mass of naval presence. "No one's gonna suspect _anything._"

Movie-Soundwave seemed very satisfied with his hard day's work. "_Decepticons, we have located the shard._"

"_It's_**_you_**_! The_**_Audobots,_**" Suit-Man declared aggressively.

"Audobots?" Megatron frowned.

"Apparently," Optimus shrugged.

"All these years we've been best enemies, and you _lied_ about your faction name?" Megatron looked horrified. "Even the mighty _Megatron_ did not stoop that low! ...Why didn't I think of it?"

_"They're here to_**_hunt_**_you!"_

"Woah." Sideswipe was lost for words. "...His chin. Did you see his chin?"

Movie-Optimus was giving Suity-Chin Man a death glare.

"_Sounds to me like something's coming,_" Suity-Chin Man continued obliviously.

"What a **genius**." Starscream pouted- for no real reason other than just because he _knew_ he looked good when he did so.

"_-will you leave...**peacefully**?_"

"Frag no! We'll _take_ your fragging planet and-"

"_Freedom is your right. If you make-_"

"No! Optimus, no...! You're too good looking to be a pushover!" Prime pleaded with himself.

"_-we will honour it._"

The Autobot Commander sighed. "...Why are we so easy to control?"

Movie-Optimus exuded a heavily menacing air._"-please ask him this. What if we leave... and you're_**_wrong_**_?"_

"AIN'T GOT A COMEBACK NOW, SMART-AFT!" Prime howled, optics wide as he waved his fist at the screen.

"Oh, fabulous," Ratchet sulked. "Just what I was wanting; that boy-child returns. Speed through this idiocy, Soundwave!"

Soundwave fast-forwarded the scene, the characters suddenly talking in seriously demented and rapid squeaks.

"_Youknowwhatthisis?_" the boy asked. "_You'retryingtoseeifI'manormalguy-_"

"He calls himself **_normal_**?"

"-_won'tstabmeinmysleep?_"

"Seriously, Soundwave, resume normal playback." Optimus complained. "I can't understand what they're saying."

"...Error; Soundwave is not fast-forwarding."

"That's natural speech?" Bumblebee gasped. "These two could put _Blurr_to shame!"

"_Kitten calendars._"

"...That's **_nice_**." Arcee tried to look on the bright side.

"_I saw these robots and they did this firing thing and came down and toasted this woman-_"

Ironhide blinked. "That was me!"

"Except you didn't _toast_ her. And she had an absurdly clean dress on," Ratchet pointed out. "Ridiculous.."

"...Ah could've toasted her," Ironhide said miserably. "Ah could have! Ah just held back!"

"_Don't be sucking the sac-!_"

"I fear this word-play may turn graphic," Optimus growled. "Onward!"

"**_Believe_** it_!_" Bumblebee howled, catching sight of a _Naruto_ poster. "No matter what, BELIIIEVE IT!"

Soundwave forwarded the scene for a while.

"_She sees me. She sees me._"

"Why is that male touching the boy?" Megatron roared. "Did you see that!"

"_Do not bird-dog my quail,_" the unnecessary character continued.

The Transformers puzzled over this short yet highly complex sentence for some time, and were only brought back to the present by an anguished shout.

"_I got the BOOTIES!_" The boy shrieked.

"...He's got issues, that's what he has."

Movie-Soundwave appeared again.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeejac-ulaaaation!" Bumblebee trilled cheerfully on unknown grounds.

"That's right," Optimus confirmed. "He's ejaculating some pod from his... chest? Is that your chest, Soundwave?"

"Possible," the Communications Officer agreed, firmly focused on the film as something splooshed into a sea.

Ravage tilted his head suspiciously and snarled.

Soundwave waved his hands. "Ravage; desist. Threat; non-existent."

Ravage yowled at the Transformer onscreen, charging right up to the wall for a better look.

Movie-Ravage bounded along obnoxiously, undeterred by the panther's threatening display.

"Will you shut your beast up?" Optimus snapped. "There are no pets allowed in here anyway. Be lucky."

Soundwave had just managed to coax Ravage back to him when the Cassetticon's movie-counterpart thwacked a pipe with his paw and threw up into it.

"Well, that's efficient security. Ventilation leading right into the secure chamber," Skyfire shrugged.

"MY PLAN IS UNDERWAY," Megatron roared. "DOOM, DOOM-!"

"...You haven't done _anything_!" Starscream protested. "This isn't _your_ plan!"

"_We're hunting in the wild now, so get your_**_game faces_**_on,_" unnecessary male announced.

"Wild? That's not the wild!" Skyfire gaped. "That's just some random club with loud music and cake!"

"_We're...we're huntin',"_ a nerd grinned.

"Oh, look at the unnecessary male's dancing," Arcee winced.

"Looks pretty good to me," Sideswipe winked.

"No," Jazz shook his helm. "No. ...You need some style."

"Why is the boy going out if he has his web-thing this moment?" Megatron complained. "See? Mike awaits him!"

The boy started to twitch over some cake, and was assaulted by some unexplained female.

"_Like a pairing, like a duo, like a coupling?_"

"How much repetition is required?" Ratchet hissed. "NONE!"

"_That your car in our bushes?_"

"Wheey!" Bumblebee cheered. "I'm back!"

"_Why you holding out on us, bro?_"

"Yeah, _bro_," Optimus pouted angrily. "You'd better not tell them anything. No commenting or speculating."

The unexplained female abruptly rose up, scaring the boy. "_I luuuuuuuuurve Camaros._"

**"_Whaaaaaahaa_**," the boy wailed.

Movie-Bumblebee proceeded to batter the female- with _no remorse_.

"Little bit harsh," Sideswipe winced as she was smashed into movie-Bumblebee's dashboard. "What if she cracked open and was all gore over you? _Gross_."

"I must be checking if she's a Transformer," Bumblebee smiled. "See, I wouldn't do that to Mike."

"Idiot!" Megatron punched Starscream. "Why would she be a Transformer?"

The Seeker's mouth fell open indignantly. "I didn't say anything!"

"...You didn't? All useless comments come from you-"

"I DIDN'T SAY IT!"

"And you deserve to be hit for them."

Optimus was annoyed again. "You two! This scene involves me, so be quiet."

"**Conspicuous,**" Jazz commented loudly.

"How long has he been standing in broad daylight for...on top of a hill?"

"Why is it daytime? I thought it was night!" Bumblebee whined.

"Maybe it took you a long time to get here."

"_-won't give me one day-_"

"Stamp on him," Optimus urged. "No one's there, no one will see! ...It could be a hit and drive!"

"_-the last fragment of the Allspark has been stolen._"

"Get straight to business, why don't you?" Jazz blinked.

"-_Decepticon stolen?_"

"The boy's smart," Ironhide noted. "No hesitation."

"_We placed it under protection at your government's request._"

"...Movie-Optimus is not so smart."

"Why would you do that? The Autobots would be far better guardians!"

"_When_did that happen?" Ratchet scowled.

Jazz gave him a double thumbs-up. "You may have read the novelisation, but _I_read the prequel _graphic novels._"

"...You mean the comics?"

"GRAPHIC NOVELS!"

Movie-Optimus shook his helm in great anguish. "_Your world must not share the same fate as Cybertron. Whole generations..._**_lost_**_._"

Sam almost empathised. "_I want to help you- I do. But I am not some alien ambassador... you know? I'm a normal kid with normal problems. I am where I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry, I... I really am...!"_

"Oh, enough of the angst," Megatron rasped.

"'_Normal kid with normal problems_'?" Sideswipe repeated in disgust. "He calls himself _normal_?"

"If generations were lost and it's anybody's fault, it's _yours_and theirs, Prime," Megatron continued. "They wouldn't have been lost if they had been Decepticons."

Starscream hissed. "Stop ruining _moments_!"

Optimus sniffled angrily. "I agree- my voice and this score- it's so beautiful!"

"_Sam, fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing..._" movie-Prime pleaded.

"Well, that was a sound-byte," Ratchet huffed.

"WHY DOESN'T HE LISTEN TO ME!"

"Everything Optimus says is a sound-byte," Bumblebee giggled.

"_You're_**_Optimus Prime_**_. You don't need me."_

"He _is_ right," Ironhide agreed. "We don't."

"_- more than you know._"

"Get over yourself, Prime!" Megatron huffed. "...I have no idea where this film is going. Where am _I_?"

Movie-Ravage suddenly shot out of nowhere to crash on a large ship.

"No one heard that racket?" Ratchet gaped.

"...Where did he shoot from? Can he fly?"

"Kitties can't fly," Sideswipe sneered.

"Does he look like a kitty to you?" Barricade asked, gesturing at the screen. "He's just ugly. An ugly, four-legged thing."

Ravage looked a bit unhappy at this brutal statement.

"...Are we sure this _Revenge of the Fallen_?" Megatron howled for no particular reason. "Why are these fools going for a swim?"

The _intelligent_ Transformers watched the Decepticons descend to the bottom of the Laurentian Abyss and bounce around at the bottom.

"I like Ravage's swimming technique," Arcee commented. "Just wiggling. No doggy paddle."

Soundwave nodded solemnly. "Reason; Ravage not a dog. Additional reason; Ravage has no paddles."

Jazz wailed suddenly and flailed at the screen. "I- I'm here too! I'm just over there! In Optimus' trailer somewhere! They've come t'find me!"

"I wasted my trailer on _you_?" Prime scowled.

"...Why would we come to find an Autobot?" Bonecrusher huffed. "We hate Autobots."

Starscream laughed. "Megatron-! You're _rusty_!"

"Evil does not _rust_, fool."

"...Well, you do. You must be made out of _shoddy_-"

"THINK UP NEW COMEBACKS!" Megatron roared, and hit him cruelly.

"...At least I don't have an _octopus_ on my face," Starscream muttered very quietly. "That good enough?"

"_Neeeeedz partz! KIIIIIILL ze little z'vwon!_"

"What's he saying?" Ironhide peered at the screen as if this would help. "Is it jus' me?"

"Yes." Ratchet nodded. "It's your old age and your hearing catching up with you."

"Who CARES what he's saying?" Megatron howled. "THAT'S ME-!"

"He might be ordering them to paint you pink," Jazz shrugged. "Would you care about that?"

"Anything _wrong_ with pink?" Arcee hissed.

Movie-Megatron heaved himself to his feet with much drama and huffing and grizzling.

Starscream scowled. "Well, that sucks."

Megatron snarled with giddy- and alarmingly wheezy- exhilaration. "This time it only took me _forty minutes and thirty eight__seconds_ to arrive! One day I'll be at the beginning!"

"Yeah, well, don't get excited. It's just another chance for me to offline you," Optimus pouted heroically.

"Are you _joking_? Have you forgotten how _weak_ movie-you is?"

"...Why couldn't you lot do that f'me?" Jazz asked tearfully. "If all it takes is t'dramatically plunge the shard inta someone, why not do it f'me?"

"Maybe we have to tear a little z'vwon apart as well," Optimus tried.

"Well, no one likes Bumblebee! What about him?"

"They do like him in the movie-verse," Prime replied sadly.

Movie-Megatron landed heavily, but tried to disguise it with a little skip. "_Starscream, I'm hooome._"

He clenched his claws dramatically.

Ratchet groaned. "Fangirls all over the world are squealing and clapping."

"What do you mean?" Megatron asked. "I am not a squeal-object!"

"If you're not aware of your following," the medic responded after twitching slightly, "then I'm not going to be the one to break it to you."

"Following?" Starscream asked. "Ah, is there an organisation that demands that I should lead the Decepticons? Of_course_."

"No, Starscream. I was talking more about how you're the most popular pair-"

"_I was so_**_relieved_**_to hear of your... resurrection..._"

"Woah now," Jazz blinked. "Soundsy, rewind a sec, an' amp that volume."

Movie-Starscream jerked backwards, then continued. "-_of your...resur**rection**!_"

"Can't you hear it? Go back again!"

"-_your...resur**RECTION!**_"

"Again," Jazz commanded. "An' turn it up louder."

"RESUR**_RECTION_**," movie-Starscream nearly bellowed- except his voice isn't really capable of a bellow.

I'll try that again.

"RESUR**_RECTION_**," movie-Starscream declared at a deafening volume.

"AAAARGH," the poor Seeker screeched. "STOP IT!"

"_You left me to die on that pathetic insect planet,_" Megatron grouched, with a moody grasp of his subordinate's chin.

"Ha, _face_-grab," Ironhide sniggered.

"_Only to help spawn our new army! The Fallen decrees it-!_"

"Awww, Screamer! Did you just reach out to Megsy then for a little stroke?"

"LIES! I did no such thing!"

"...We could rewind it and play it in slow-motion if you don't believe-"

The Seeker pouted furiously. "Do not trouble yourself."

Ratchet frowned. "Wait an astro-second. What does he mean, _spawn_the army?"

There was a moment of silence as they all thought.

"He's right," Optimus agreed. "Don't you usually _recruit_ an army?"

Starscream looked miserable. "Why pick on me like this?"

"What have you been doing behind my back?" Megatron snarled, gripping the part of Starscream nearest to him.

The Seeker yelped as his wing was grabbed. "_Nothing_, actually. If you were _watching_, you'd note that in your death, you were looking upwards towards the _sky_. If I had been doing anything, it would have been _right_ in front of you."

"Still," Skyfire began thoughtfully, "The definition of spawn can vary. Some Earth organisms have the term 'spawn' applied to them if they lay or fertilise eggs- or it can be used as a synonym for offspring, and- "

Ratchet laughed. "Fangirl Delight, number two."

"_Hit_ him," Megatron advised himself, clenching Starscream's now dented wing. "You'll feel _so_ much better when you do!"

"-_someone__had to take command...!_"

"_Ugh_," movie-Megatron grunted, with a well-aimed knee to movie-Starscream's- yet _again_- face. "**_So disappointing_**_._"

"See tha'?" Jazz asked, pointing. "That _there_ separates th'bad guys from th'Ultimate Doombringers."

"What?" Megatron demanded eagerly.

"The Almighty Neck Pin," Jazz answered solemnly. "See, look closely. You're not jus' pinnin' him against the wall, no. Yer holdin' him by th'_throat_ in the _air..._by arm _alone. _That's some strength."

"You know," the Decepticon sighed. "At times like these, I'm almost sorry I tore you in two."

"Be lucky tha' I'm not gonna pick you up on tha' right now," Jazz pouted threateningly. "I'm going t'have words. _Words_."

"_Even in_**_death_**_,_" movie-Megatron continued, "_there is no command but_**_mine_**_-!_"

"Talk about an _egotist_." Optimus raised an optic ridge in heroic distaste.

"...I thought Starscream was Second in Command," Bumblebee frowned. "What's the point of that title if he can't command anyone?"

Movie-Starscream seemed to tut in disgust as movie-Megatron paid no heed to his warnings, and one of the small... _things_ slithered down and dropped to the floor.

Megatron recoiled fearfully. "What is that?"

"I don't know." Starscream would have paled if it were possible. "I don't know. But I don't like it. I don't like the connotations it has for our relationship in fanfiction."

"_My master, I have failed you on Earth,_" movie-Megatron announced, k-

"KNEELING? Why am I _kneeling_?" the grey Decepticon shrieked (in rage, of course).

"Maybe your leg is a little wobbly, so you're just resting it," Bumblebee suggested.

"_You have much to learn, my disciple-_"

The Transformers blinked as one. "What?"

"It's that wiggling weirdo from the beginning!" Arcee screamed.

Megatron twitched. "There must be some mistake."

Starscream coughed loudly, disguising a delirious laugh. "I'm _sure_ there is."

"Disciple? Master?" Even Optimus was indignantly incredulous. "Megatron? These words do not go in the same scenario!"

"What's wrong with the wiggly weirdo's voice?" Arcee looked disgusted. "He sounds like a pervert!"

"...Do perverts speak in a certain way?" Sideswipe asked.

"Yes. Like _that_. Ever hear someone talking like that, you get _out_ of there."

"_-its power, its knowledge... can never be destroyed._"

"I like this ancient ancestor/ugly anorexic being," Starscream nodded. "At least _he_ knows that energy cannot be destroyed."

There was a sneaky glare at Optimus.

"Shut up, resur**rection**-lover."

"_It has been absorbed by the human child-!_"

"Does anyone know his name?" Barricade asked.

"Does anyone care?" Jazz shot back.

"_Well then, let me strip the very flesh from his body_!" movie-Megatron looked quite excited.

"Nice thoughts." Ratchet was repulsed. "I don't need to think hard to work out what you fantasize about."

"_-my apprentice._"

"He's a pervert," Megatron agreed immediately. "Look at him, slobbing and getting off on power in that chair-thing whilst I go around doing hard work!"

Starscream choked. "You've been slobbing under the sea for two years! _I_ have been the only one doing work!"

"Explains why we haven't gotten anywhere," the commander replied swiftly. "You're all talk, no action."

"If you ever thought about _anything_, we would have conquered the Universe b-"

_"I, too, was once betrayed by the Primes I called my brothers."_

_"..._Wh-he's a Prime?_"_Optimus coughed in surprise.

"He's an idiot."

"He said '_too'_," Skyfire noted. "This reflects and reinforces that you, Megatron, were 'betrayed' by the Prime you called _your_ brother."

"I didn't call anyone my brother," Megatron snapped.

Optimus scowled. "For some reason, I did."

The Decepticon was disgusted. "So Prime and I are related?"

"That's the impression."

"Does that make me a Prime?"

"It's just added to the list of unanswered questions in the movie-verse," Skyfire replied. "They get the fans excited, then just leave them hanging."

"And that's when _fan fiction_ comes into play," Jazz grimaced.

_"Only a Prime can defeat me... and now, only one remains."_

"See? We can't be brothers if there's only one left."

"Maybe it's just that you're not a Prime."

"Why can't I be a Prime?" Megatron frowned sulkily (not that he cared, of course).

"Megatron Prime? Doesn't sound right," Optimus answered, eating some popcorn.

"_Optimusss... he protects the_**_boy,_**" movie-Megatron mused sexily.

"_Then the boy will lead us to him-_" The ugly anorexic being clenched a fist dramatically. "_And revenge will be ouuurssssssssss_."

He then promptly fell asleep.

"...So they're going to use the boy to kill me off?" Prime tried to sum it up.

"I _think_so," Ratchet frowned. "But I'm not entirely sure."

Movie-Megatron pouted, narrowing his optics in a fashion most evil. "_Yeaaasss..._"

Movie-Starscream randomly appeared. "_The boy will not escape us! We have him in our sights! ...Without more energon, the hatchlings will keep_**_dyyyyying!_**"

"...That's nice, Starscream. Just drop that thing on the floor."

"Harsh," Jazz agreed.

"Why does everything movie-Starscream says seem to be an exclamation?"

"Well." Megatron replied in support of his second. "He has to do something. Might as well be useless now instead of on the battlefield."

"Megsy, you look _much_ more handsome now," Arcee declared.

"Why, tha-"

"Before you were hideously ugly. It couldn't have gotten any worse."

Optimus saw this was getting ugly. "**Popcorn break**!"

* * *

I hope your eyeballs aren't bleeding... and if they are, I hope it's good bleeding. O_O

I've spent a hideous amount of time on this, so do tell me what you think in a review if it gave you a chuckle. That's all I dream of, readers. Chuckling, and a review that shows me what you're thinking.

How else do I know what to change? :D

Thank you for reading, as always!


	2. Lots Happens But Nothing Really Happens!

Arghhhhhhhh. You're all so gorgeous! Thank you _so so _much for your wonderful reviews, favourites and adds. Every single one of you is a reason to continue wearing my fingers down to stubs. Thank you. :D

On the topic of ROTF, I actually had an amazing conversation with somebody a little while ago about the planet alignment shown just after Megatron's resurRECTION. They asked me where he was going, and I replied 'to Mars!'- somewhere, I'm sure I read the _Nemesis_ crashed on Mars.

However, this doesn't work. Is that _Saturn, _there? Megatron wouldn't pass Saturn on his way to Mars. What an odd commute. Perhaps the closest shown to the screen was one of Saturn's moons.

Oh, no! It can't be! Saturn doesn't lie near a nebula.

I checked the novelisation- it aids the situation by claiming it is a "planet orbiting a cooling star".

My lesson? Don't try and make sense of Revenge of the Fallen. It can't be done.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hasbro, Transformers, Michael Bay, Pearl Harbor, Doctor Who, or X-Men. ):

Tally-ho! :D

* * *

Surprisingly, everybody settled relatively quickly. Prime had managed to calm them all with some kind of personalised sedative.

Megatron had refused any kind of food, but was quite happy stealing his popcorn.

Ratchet had decided that he wanted a stress toy, so was squeezing a small, squidgy model of movie-Optimus.

Jazz was listening to some music and mumbling quietly about resurRECTIONS.

Ironhide was painting frantically (no one was quite sure what, but they weren't going to ask).

Soundwave was busy throwing a ball for Ravage and Bumblebee, and Starscream, Arcee and Sideswipe were arguing over who was the better looking.

All was well.

"I hate this waiting," Bonecrusher complained.

"Are we ready?" Prime asked the room. "Right. Go, Soundwave!"

"**_Space. Time. Gravity._**"

There was an overly loud crunch as a new human bit dramatically into a clearly GM apple.

"Why do idiotic guys who think they're cool crunch loudly on apples?" Arcee wondered aloud.

The boy grinned inanely.

"What?" Sideswipe frowned, puzzled.-

"Kirk in _Star Trek_ did _exactly_ the same thing. Except he didn't throw it on the floor afterwards."

"**_Thank you_**-!" A random girl whispered ecstatically, clutching onto the fruit as if it was her heart.

Not that she'd be clutching her heart if it was outside of her body. She'd probably be dead, so let's try that again.

"**_Thank you_**-!" A random girl whispered ecstatically, clutching onto the fruit as if it was the only tie holding her soulmate to life and if she didn't clutch onto it, the entire world would burn and fall.

"_Finish that for me,_" the professor whispered huskily.

"What is _wrong_ with that man?" Arcee demanded angrily.

"_All you eager, nubile, young-"_

_"_Nubile-?!_" _Optimus raged, covering Bumblebee's audio receptors. "_Nubile!_"

For some unknown reason, the students laughed. The boy twitched uncomfortably.

"See? He doesn't appreciate this crudity either," Barricade noted.

"_-I shall be your consort, your guide, your chaperone into the heart of darkness-!"_

"The man's an exhibitionist," Ratchet scowled. "_That's_ what's wrong with him."

The boy started looking at his hand.

"_For **what** do we **know** about the stars?"_

_"_I'm liking the way he said that,_" _Optimus nodded approvingly. "Very vivid."

_"You_ coulda said it better,_" _Ironhide claimed loyally.

_" ...Virgo, the **virgin**_." With this, the lecher leered at some girls.

You know, I can't even describe what they did. Are they preening? Looking each other up and down? Smug and snide smirks? Seriously, what was the stage direction? Perhaps: _Girls glance at each other coyly._

The boy started manically tearing through his book.

"_-a throbbing, savage and pent-up **energy**!_"

"_I_ like the dramatic hand gestures," Jazz shrugged. "He's got flamboyance, if nothing else."

"-_a professor once, like moi_."

"Because inserting one or two French words into _any_ sentence makes you sounds smarter," Sideswipe commented.

"What's _wrong_ with that child?" Ratchet fumed as the boy started making a fool out of himself (although that really began with TF07).

"_Einstein's wrong._"

"Why do ah feel like he's about t'make ah spehtacle?" Ironhide sighed.

Starscream and Skyfire shrugged.

"A genius is always unappreciated," the Decepticon sighed.

"-_but what about the other seventeen? We haven't even talked about the other seventeen." _

"I can't even watch," Arcee groaned. "This sort of humiliation isn't right."

They silently watched the boy make a fool of himself and twitch.

"-_it took the Sentinel Prime expedition_-"

"How does he know about Sentinel?" Megatron asked indignantly. "I killed him!"

Optimus scowled at him. "That's because you're an aft."

"Up yours!"

"Yours!"

"No, yours!"

"Who's been telling him about our history?" Ratchet demanded. "Surely that's a breach of... of our species!"

The boy's face spasmed.

"What's he doing?" Bumblebee asked worriedly. "He looks like an idiot!"

"Wow," Sideswipe commented. "I didn't realise he was physically incapacitated as well as mentally."

"Just stop talking-!" Arcee pleaded with Sam. "It's not too late!"

"_-**my** universe here. Do you understand?" _The professor circled the boy as if he was a tasty hunk of meat._ "I am the **alpha** and the **omega**."_

Both Skyfire and Starscream had a synchronised twitching spasm of the fingers.

"I'll hold him down in a pacifistic manner," Skyfire muttered, "if you strangle him."

"Done."

A scene change presented a motorbike rider- riding a motorbike.

"Oh _no_," Ironhide groaned. "Mike."

"_Hi, Bones! Hi. Hi. You're such a good boy. What a good boy you are. Hey, Bones. You hungry?_"

"Her screentime in this film should be _limited _to just this," Ratchet announced. "Just _that_. If it was, think of how much time would be left for us!"

"She did that well," Optimus commented positively. "Talking to dogs is a part _made_ for her."

The boy called her, looking around twitchily. "_Hello? Mikaela_?"

"_I can't believe you're gonna stand me up on our first web chat date_," the eye-candy ranted.

"What does she mean, 'gonna'? He already _has_! That statement shouldn't have been in the progressive tense!"

"_This is serious,_" the boy insisted.

"...Who would ever take him seriously?"

The boy raced around, gabbling manically. "_Watch it, watch it, watch_.._. No!_"

"I think I would have hung up on him," Arcee sighed. "He's such a failure."

Starscream eyed her angrily. "Leave him alone!"

"Why do _you_ care?"

"He's supporting his fellow failure," Megatron explained, snatching some popcorn from Optimus.

"_Watch the foot! Watch your foot!_" The boy screeched, scrabbling around.

"He's _insane_," Barricade cried delightedly.

"Hey, look!" Arcee's sharp optics spotted a complete fail. "That couple there- they walk by him twice! Once when he's talking about the foot, the second when he's rolling around!"

"-_my great-great-grandfather went on this Arctic mission, right? And he saw Megatron. Megatron zapped him_-"

"THAT'S ME!" Megatron roared. "_I_ did that! _I_ zapped him!"

"We saw the last film," Ratchet snarled. "We _remember _this!"

"_Well, now I'm seeing them, too._"

"Perhaps he'll be admitted to an asylum like his ancestor," Sideswipe hopefully guessed. "Then we can get on with the film."

"_I just read a nine hundred and three page astronomy book in thirty two point six seconds_-"

"He timed himself? That's sad."

"_I am seeing symbols ever since I_..."

"_Since what_?" Mike demanded, deigning to bother to rise to her feet in a sexy manner.

"-_the Cube splinter._" There was a sudden _dramatic close-up _of his face.

"Clearly something exciting is about to happen."

"Ah, I know!" Megatron shouted. "I'm going to burst through the building behind the boy and destroy him!"

"_I do! You're hot, but you ain't so bright._" The runt-Decepticon said maliciously.

Ratchet laughed. "Sorry, that didn't make sense."

"He- he finds her good-looking?" Arcee stammered, optics twitching. "This is _wrong_!"

Optimus contemplated covering Bumblebee's audio receptors. Things got out of hand ever so quickly in Michael Bay films. Often too quickly to do anything about- from a vaguely serious moment could erupt a one-liner that destroyed your very mind.

The runt managed to fail in a spectacular manner. "_This place is a fricking house of horrors!"_

"Please tell me he isn't a Decepticon," Megatron wailed. "Please. I'll do anything. He's _worse_ than Starscream, and _that's_ saying something!"

"I'm sorry, Megatron. He's definitely yours."

The runt screamed pathetically.

Megatron howled in rasping agony and beat Starscream over the helm. "Why don't you spawn a _competent_ army!?"

"This isn't _my _fault!"

The eye-candy actually managed to do something- rather, she viciously attacked the runt.

"_That's my eye, you crazy bitch!"_

"**_Language_**_, _fail-con!" Optimus roared, covering Bumblebee.

_"I seek knowledge from the Cube. The Fallen demands me_!"

"Who's th'Fallen?" Jazz's processor failed him.

"The _wiggly_ one!" Arcee hissed.

"You mean that disabled, lazy _fool_?" Megatron hissed.

"_You got the shard, I need the shard. Give me the shard. I need the shard- give me the shard! They're gonna whack me! I'm gonna be dead without that shard!_"

"Really," Sideswipe sighed. "Does everything have to be said so many times?"

"_And I'm your worst nightmare."_ Mike trilled.

The boy was still waiting for her. "_What the hell was that?_"

"_I'll tell you later, just not on an open phone line, okay?_"

Soundwave's visor flickered in what could have been rage or admiration. "Mike for once displays form of aptitude."

"_Justbecareful Sam_-" she rushed, hurriedly cutting him off.

"What if he didn't hear what she said?" Barricade complained. "He could have mistakenly heard '_Go be dareful'_, in which case he'd go and do something stupid."

"That's a certainty anyway," Ratchet grouched, spinning a cotton wrench between his fingers like a baton.

As the boy charged down a corridor, Mike suddenly appeared at an airport and (completely conspicuously) abruptly snapped a leg up onto the container before her.

"Please have her taken away by security," Starscream begged.

"Ah ain't nevah goin' on Southwes' Airlines," Ironhide declared.

"They must be blind," Optimus agreed, outraged.

The boy had managed to gain possession of some paint- let's not even think about where from- and was in the frenzied process of jumping over things, ripping posters away and daubing the walls.

Ironhide was thrilled. "Look, Ratch! Thah boy's doin' paint rehab too!"

"He's re-decorating," Jazz beamed. "Wiiiiickedddd."

"...That's clearly _not_ self-promotion," Bonecrusher huffed, noticing the blatant Bad Boys II poster.

Bumblebee beamed, turning to him over Optimus' shoulder. "Sam's covering it, so it isn't. People won't be able to see it-"

"I can see it!" The Constructicon roared. "I hate self-promotion, I hate Michael Bay, I hate the boy, and most of all- I hate _you_!"

The tiny Autobot jumped over the seat and attempted to cuddle him.

"_MAJOR, INCOMING SOS FROM AUTOBOTS_!" A random person roared inappropriately, clutching onto a rail.

"Who is that blue one?" Megatron snarled. "That blue car! What Autobot is he? How _dare_ he be in the shot!"

Movie-Arcee had vanished again, but no one cares.

Some other person shouted from a platform, also clinging onto a rail.

"_As in how many_?" The important military man demanded.  
"_Unclear, sir._"

"_Well, **get** clear_."

"He's a funny guy!" Jazz cried in delight.

_"They're not answering our calls and they're heading to New York and Philadelphia." _

"Suck on that, humans!" Sideswipe cheered. "We don't care for you!"

Ironhide fist-bumped Optimus. "Right on!"

Back to the college. The unexplained female – she even had slow-motion- was stalking down a path, unexplained male in tow.

"Is she evil?" Bumblebee asked suddenly.

_"-an 18-inch Zookeeper's special? Extra-large, triple cheese, with every known animal as a topping. Basically, I've got, like, 18 inches of meat. Unless you're vegetarian. All right. It's cool. I am, too._"

"_Sam home?"_

"Is that mentally or literally?" Ratchet wondered dryly.

Arcee felt sorry for the unexplained male. "What a rejection!"

"Why do they ramble so?" Megatron wheezed, fists clenched. "Get to the action already!"

"_Hey! Ever had a song stuck in your head and it's the worst song ever but you can't help but whistle it or sing it and it like repeats itself, repeats itself, repeats itself, repeats itself, repeats itself, repeats itself- kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten calendar, kitten-"_

"PIT, BOY!" Optimus roared. "YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT! I AM ASHAMED_- **ASHAMED**_!"  
Bumblebee whined, processor about to explode.

Soundwave nearly _imploded_. "So many words; painful."

"_I know you're freaking out, don't freak out, don't freak out-!"_ The boy assured worryingly, gesturing at them reassuringly.

_"_Heh, why would anybody be freaking out?_"_ Jazz tried to sound glib.

_"Easy fix. Puzzle, code in my head. Now it's on the walls; everything is good. This is the part that-" _He went through yet another stage of psychotic fantasy_. "Okay, what were you saying_?"

Megatron attempted to blast him, but a ball of wool shot out of the end of his fusion cannon instead. "_What!?_"

Optimus hid a snide snigger.

Arcee was oddly sympathetic. "It's not his fault. In fact, it's yours instead. Prime, if you hadn't been so pathetic in the first movie, Sam would never have had to terminate Megatron _for_ you. Megatron- if you hadn't been so creepily single-minded, you would have finished Optimus off _beforehand_, and _then_ taken the All Spark from him. Sam wouldn't have had a clue what to do with it had Optimus not told him inadvertently."

Starscream gave her a swift high-five. "Damn straight!"

"So it's _our _fault the boy is a retard?" Megatron summarised, clearly building up an incredible counter-argument. "...No- **_no_**!"

"He was one _already_!" Optimus complained.

"You have _catalysed_ his failing processes," Starscream hissed.

"_I'll... I'll eat my pizza quietly._"

"Ugh, _wrong_. I don't feel sorry for the second lecher anymore." Arcee wrinkled her nasal-plates.

"Please carry on arguing," Ratchet snarled. "Distract us. This- this scene is simply distasteful."

"_They're genuinely amazing in bed,_" the unexplained female hissed.

"Think we know what her role is now?" Jazz suggested. "We could move on, Bay?"

Soundwave forwarded it a little.

Some creepy tail slithered out from the unexplained female, and Bumblebee shrieked in horror. "**Sam**!"

"_You want some turkey meatloaf?_"

Optimus firmly covered Bumblebee's receptors again. "I don't even know what that was."

"Oh," Jazz shouted in malicious thrill. "It's MIKE!"

Before the boy could failingly attempt to chase after her and failingly explain himself, the unexplained female lashed out with her tongue, choking him.

The Transformers laughed, but _sadly_, Mike came back and rescued him.

"Go Mike!" Sideswipe enthused. "She did something!"

The boy screamed. Repetitively. Like a girl. No, it has to be more hideous than that. I refuse to believe any girl screams like that.

The scene was quickly forwarded again, as nobody particularly wanted to watch the boy and Mike hiss and verbally battle.

"_Listen! Listen, I am a victim!_" The boy shrieked speedily.

"_Of what, a little 80-pound girl?_"

"Point one: Mike," Soundwave noted.

_"It was like getting humped in the neck by a mountain ox!"_

"Boy, that's ridiculous," Optimus scowled, Bumblebee still being smothered. "Stop making excuses for your promiscuity."

"_You didn't have to put your tongue in her mouth_!"

"Point two: Mike."

"Do they really have time f'this?" Jazz wondered. "Aren't they bothered about th'now even _more_ unexplained girl... _thing_?"

"_You ever had your stomach tongued by a mountain ox with a five-foot tongue? It's not fun for me, okay, Mikaela? And it smelled like... like **diesel**! Like a **diesel-y** tinge to it!"_ The boy was upset.

"_You're such a little girl!"_ Mike hissed, clearly unimpressed.

"Point three: Mike."

"Hear hear," Ratchet agreed, bouncing a rubber wrench back and forth at the screen, impacting on the boy's face.

"_I'm not talking to you for 10 seconds._"

"This is ludicrous." Optimus wrangled the air.

_"You have three seconds left." _

"Seven have not passed, boy!" Megatron wrangled Starscream. "What a fool!"

"_She violated your orifice with her nasty alien probe? She did it? She went in there? All her little embryo alien babies are gestating and hatching inside of you. They're growing right now, probably! You need to vomit it right now. Yak it! Yak it- right now!_"

"What is _wrong_ with him?!" Ratchet watched in horror as the boy complied.

The unexplained not-female suddenly entered, bringing Bayhem with her.

"She _is _evil!" Bumblebee cried in horror.

The unexplained male and Mike cleverly descended a floor by climbing down a ladder.

After failingly jumping onto a light then splatting on the floor, the boy skilfully skidded under a table. "**_Mikaela_**_!_"

"This reminds me of that other film he was in," Skyfire mused. "Indiana Jones. They had him skidding around under library furniture in that one, too."

"_Ugh,_" Mike responded.

"Maybe it's on his CV," Jazz shrugged. "I slide well under furniture, specialising in libraries."

"_Ugh!_" Mike said again. "_Ugh_!"

The threesome abandoned said library and raced down some stairs, Mike ingeniously holding her impractical-for-an-action-adventure-film shoes.

The unexplained female menacingly followed them with much dramatic music.

The lecherous and still unexplained male enjoyed Mike's major skills. "_Oh my God, you know how to hot-wire a car? So hot_!"

The boy began screeching at poor Mike, obviously not doing anything himself. "_Drive, drive, drive! She's right there! She's right there!Go! Go! Go! Back up the car!" _

The unexplained not-female jumped onto the car, and the passenger window smashed.

"How exactly does that work?" Sideswipe frowned.

"_Tonguetonguetongue!_" The boy screeched.

Mike looked very angry. "_Kiss this, bitch_."

"Game: Mike."

"I hope they were wearing their safety belts," Bonecrusher suddenly spat. "I hate such carelessness."

_"Drive, drive, drive._"

"She is driving, you pathetic excuse for a being," Ratchet spat.

_"That thing you saw back there, that was a little baby- wooooahhhhhhh!"_ The boy howled as some helicopter grabbed them rudely.

"_Sam_!" Mike screamed, seeing him falling and dramatically and uselessly reaching in his vague direction. "_Sam! Sam! Sam, get back in!"_

"Wow," Starscream muttered. "The scriptwriters really went wild with the variety."

"The first STHAAAM shriek," Optimus mused. "I had missed them so."

"You just had three hideous pronunciations of his name in ten seconds!" Ratchet snarled.

"Doesn't the last count?"

"It does if you include Mike saying '_Sthaam_' quietly," Sideswipe reasoned.

"Staam," Arcee muttered, testing it out.

Without warning, the car dropped. It plunged downwards, smashing through a roof and into the floor.

Luckily for all concerned, the airbags worked, saving their lives.

Optimus almost expected Bay to flail across the screen, give a thumbs-up, and declare that car-safety was awesome.

Again, so _luckily_, fire-fighter Starscream was fast on the scene, rescuing the humans from the wreck with his handy saw.

"You stole my fragging _saw_," Ratchet raged, hurling a jelly-wrench at the screen.

It thwacked against movie-Starscream as he menacingly loomed above the teenagers, menacingly spat, and made menacing noises.

"_Come here, boy. Closerrrrrr. _" Movie-Megatron abruptly rose up from nowhere, made scowly sounds and tossed his helm sexily with the purpose of directing the boy (as _if _he couldn't see the behemoth before him. Never mind). He spoke again, almost gently. Scarily so. "_You remember me, don't you?_"

"What would you do if he said no?" Sideswipe wondered.

"You do look a bit different, Megsy," Jazz agreed. "He might not remember you."

"Mah feelin' exactly," Ironhide agreed. "If you lookin' differen'-

"He _will_!" Megatron roared, ending the discussion. "I am going to _obliterate _him with my hands alone once he accepts his doom!"

"You call those claw-things hands?" Somebody muttered quietly.

"_I did what you said, okay-_" The boy hopefully began.

"_Shut up!_"

A grab-and-fling propelled the boy into the air.

"_Sthaaaaaaaaaam-!_"

Sam flew across the room and smacked into some slab in the most amusing fashion, then proceeded to roll around, groaning in an angsty manner.

"...Seriously, shouldn't he be dead?" Optimus worried.

Ratchet had long since resigned himself to improbability. "Get over it, kid."

"_Rrrah. Yes, yes! It feels **good** to grab your **flesh**_!" Movie-Megatron pinned Sam down- because he clearly posed such a threat and could have escaped- and wiggled some of his limbs enthusiastically.

"Woah, Megsy-" Jazz tried to shield himself from the screen. "What's with your flesh fetish?"

"_I am going to **kill** you_-!" Movie-Megatron began snapping his claws to some invisible beat. "_Slowly, painfully... but first, we have some delicate work to do."_

"Delicacy?! What is this _delicacy_? Megatron is not delicate!"

A claw was dangerously and sneakily edged inbetween Sam's legs.

"Making your move, Megsy?" Jazz cackled. "Flesh fetish. Lovely."

"_Ohhh, how I could snap your **limbs** off!"_

"Yeah," Sideswipe nodded firmly with a slight frown, "That thought _really_ gives me thrills too."

"_Doctor, examine this... alien specimen_."

A microscope-looking device began transforming, then jumped onto the boy's chest. It was a damned, freaky looking thing. "_I'zscanyouh!"_

Nobody could understand what he was saying, so they gave up.

_"I'm ze doctor-"_

"Liar!" Jazz howled, jumping to his feet. "_Liar_! The only Doctor is David Tennant, and that's the way it'll always be!"

_ "Inzfvormaztion! Beseeching my shard! **Easy** or tough way?"_ The freaky thing continued, proceeding to prod, abuse, and direct something disgusting into the boy's mouth.

"Yak it!" Ratchet laughed, unable to resist it.

"That's just _disgusting_."

Megatron himself was repulsed. "There's no need for this. That's wrong. Just kill him already!"

"Did that freaky thing honestly just say _beseeching my shard?_ That doesn't make _any_ grammatical sense," Barricade complained. "Hey, Soundwave. Put the subtitles on."

"What- what is that _accent_?"

"...That's the one who resurRECTED you, isn't it?" Sideswipe asked Megatron, before laughing at a fuming Starscream who clearly didn't want to be reminded of said resurRECTIONS.

"_Ohhhhhohho, there they are_...!" Megatron was delighted upon seeing some symbols float around.

"_That's what I'm seeing in my head,_" the boy commented.

"He's ah bit slow," Ironhide sighed.

"_These symbols can lead us to the Energon source_-!" Movie-Megatron declared loudly.

"_Ve must zlay ze brain on ze table_!" The freak screeched. "_Chop chop!_"

"Nobody tells _Megatron _ what to do," the Decepticon fumed. "Kill the little demon!"

"_Brain_?" The boy was distressed, spit flying. "_What does he mean by my brain_?"

"_Well, you have something on your mind, something I need," _Movie-Megatron explained kindly.

Arcee nearly died. "I can't get over his voice. You know, Optimus- I never thought I'd say this. If it came to a verbal contest between the movie-you and movie-Megatron, I'm not even sure who I'd root for."

"Wha? _Megatron_ has a plan?" Ironhide gaped.

"The Decepticons with a plan?"

Indignant, Starscream felt the need to stand up for his cause. "We always have a plan!"

"Right," Ratchet laughed. "So why haven't you ever succeeded with anything?"

"...If _I _were leader of the Decepticons and I _listened_ to my brilliant and under-prized _Air Commander_ and _Second in Command_, I feel that we-"

Megatron hit him affectionately. "You know, I'd miss you if you ever suffered one of the painful deaths I've planned out for you."

"_Hold on. I know you're pissed. I know you're pissed because I tried to kill you and it's completely understandable. If somebody tried to kill me, I'd be upset, too._" The boy began burbling again. "_I think that we have an opportunity here to start anew and develop our relationship and see where it leads us-"_

_"_Awwwh,_" _Starscream hissed. "See, Megatron? He wants to be your friend and _develop your relationship_. He has a MEGAfetish."

"Pleading for mercy with _Megatron_? The fool!" A certain silver mech clenched a fist and waved it. "You cannot expect mercy! ...Right, movie-me? Say you're with me!"

"_-let's just talk for five seconds!_"

"The boy could fit many words into five seconds," Prime mused calmly.

Sadly, movie-Optimus decided it was time for a heroically timed entrance.

In slow-motion, of course.

He dramatically slammed through the roof, Movie-Bumblebee following- (in slow-motion) through the wall.

"Clearly doors are not an option," Bonecrusher scowled. "I hate such untidiness."

"Silence!" Optimus, Megatron, Starscream and Bumblebee howled as one.

Movie-Prime sexily flipped over Megatron, sexily unsubspacing another blaster as he did so.

"...I need to learn how to aim," Optimus whispered, intently watching as his counterpart fired repeatedly and missed Megatron with every single shot.

A nifty backflip was unleashed by movie-Megatron, but movie-Optimus was preoccupied with movie-Starscream.

Movie-Starscream decided to do some nice twizzles, but movie-Optimus didn't like them, so he shot the other out of the building in disgust. The Autobot then proceeded- in super dramatic slow-motion, of course- to actually land a shot right on Megatron's chassis.

Movie-Megatron technically jumped _into _it, if you watch. Either way, he too was propelled out of the warehouse.

"Foh a tiny bullet, they ah strong," Ironhide pouted.

Movie-Bumblebee sped off with Mike and the unexplained male.

_"Sam_!" Movie-Optimus shouted. The boy climbed into him, and off they trundled.

_"..._Why are Mike and the unexplained boy being taken away? They are of no use to the Decepticons!"

"_Here he comes!"_ The boy wailed, seeing Megatron literally bounce out from the trees behind them, surprisingly missing with his cannon fire.

"Didn't you leave before us?" Optimus asked, confused. "How did you get behind?"

"Don't try and make sense of this film!" Megatron rasped loudly.

Movie-Prime transformed, Movie-Megatron deciding to jump at him joyously at their reunion. Cunningly, movie-Optimus- rather gently, considering- deposited the boy on the ground, and then continued rolling around with his brother. "_Hide, Sam!_"

"...Why _did_ you glomp Prime to th'ground?" Jazz asked Megatron sweetly.

"It was not a _glomp_, whatever that is."

"If you don't know, then how do you know that it wasn't one?"

"...I sense a trap here," the Decepticon growled. "A traaaap!"

"Oooooh, see that slow-motion!" Prime enthused. "See that beautiful punch!"

"See the way it did nothing," Megatron retorted gleefully. "See you bending your little blue knees!"

"See you springing towards me!"

"See me grasping you around the middle!"

"See you land on top of me!"

"See us roll around together!"

The boy ran. He didn't run very far, because clearly it would be far more exciting to watch two fully-grown mechs tackle and heave around on each other. So he stopped.

The amazing insults began.

"_Weak_!" Movie-Megatron snarled.

"Your favourite insult," Jazz noted.

"_Waste of metal!_" Movie-Optimus retorted, bashing him with a tree. "_Junkyard crap!_"

Bumblebee blinked. "What's that?"

"**_Language_**!" Prime howled at himself in rage.

"_Decepticons_!" Movie-Megatron shouted suddenly.

"Who is that?" Arcee stared at the black mech onscreen. "That helicopter guy- isn't that Blackout?"

Sideswipe shook his helm."Nah, he died."

"But he's had no introduction! What do we call him?"

"...Silent Henchman," Jazz decided.

"What ?! _Reinforcements_-! Megatron, you coward!" The Autobot leader condemned.

Movie-Starscream arrived, firing at nothing. _"Come heeeeere, boooooooooooooooooooy-!" _He hissed in a spectacular fashion, destroying a tree.

"You stole my line!" Megatron fumed, hitting the hapless Seeker at his side. "_'Come here, boy'_ is _my _line! I said it first!"

Starscream wasn't happy. "I said it better!"

"S'a case of her- er, villain-worship," Jazz explained. "Clearly Movie-Starscream adores Movie-Megsy so much he tries t'copy him."

Instead of sensibly defeating movie-Optimus and then catching the boy, the Decepticons all decided to run after him.

Idiots.

They all charged after him, and Sam decided to do a flip whilst running away.

"How is it," Prime wondered, "that I've ended up fighting the Decepticons by _myself_? Where is everybody else? I thought we split into _two teams_. Was it Bumblebee and I, and _then everybody_ else on the other team?! This- this isn't on."

Movie-Optimus (who didn't seem to be bothered) grabbed movie-Starscream in a headlock. Movie-Starscream ineffectually fired at nothing- nearly hitting a flying Sam, who seems to have infinite luck. Prime decided to kick him. Not Sam, Starscream.

"Starscream is _mine_ to abuse!" Megatron was full of rage. "You will not kick him!"

"...He's attacking me. What should I do, just stand there?"

"_Obviously_! Or just report him to me, and I will deal with it!"

"Look!" Ironhide howled tensely. "We comin'!"

"_There is another source of Energon hidden on this planet_," Movie-Megatron declared, moving towards Optimus threateningly. _"The boy could lead us to it_."

Movie-Optimus had a major whack to the face as movie-Megatron decided to annoy all G1 fans and obliterate his facemask.

"Is he dead?" Bumblebee wailed.

"No," Jazz replied comfortingly.

"_Optimuuuuuuuus_!" Sam howled before Prime flew sexily through the air and nearly crushed him.

"Is he dead?" Bumblebee wailed again.

"_Pwfwaaaah_," Movie-Optimus replied, spitting something out.

"_Is the future of our race not worth a **single** human life_?" Megatron asked, advancing ominously- seemingly ignoring Sam, who was hiding really well behind a log.

"That's actually a good point," Ratchet pouted.

"Yeah," Ironhide agreed. "Boy fer all o' us? Easy."

A sexy blade sneakily _snick-_ed out of the fusion cannon.

"Now that's _nice_."

"_Up! Get up_!" Sam ordered ungratefully.

"He's really great at this inconspicuous lark," Arcee commented.

"_You'll never stop at one!_" Movie-Optimus declared valiantly (and avoiding the question), unsheathing a second blade._"I'll take you all on!" _

They all watched as movie-Optimus unleashed pure rage.

"What, Prime. That's just lame."

Movie-Megatron was clearly so surprised he fired his fusion cannon in the wrong direction. Movie-Optimus shared a little happy twizzle with movie-Starscream, and Sam peeked out from behind a log.

_"_Did you just screech _my arm_?_" _Sideswipe asked Starscream.

"Of course not- why is Prime so vicious!?" Starscream shrieked as he was bitch-slapped with his own arm.

"I'm not," the Autobot denied. "See? I'm even kindly giving you your arm back."

Upon further watching, Movie-Optimus jumped onto Silent Henchman and proceeded to _tear his face apart_ _with hooks_.

Prime felt optics twitch in his direction. "...Obviously, my hands slipped."

"_Piece of tin_!" His counterpart denounced, jumping down after a little stretch.

"I am victorious!" Optimus shouted gleefully.

Megatron wasn't so sure. "You never defeated _me_!"

"You've probably skulked off-"

"_No_!" Movie-Optimus cried, suddenly impaled.

"You- you filthy _swine_!" Prime cried in utter outrage. "You- you attacked me from behind! That's breaching all rules of movie-combat!"

"_You're so **weak**_!" Movie-Megatron concluded, ruthlessly blasting his brother-

"Through my _spark-chamber?!_" Optimus shrieked.

"_Weak_, again," Jazz muttered quietly.

They watched in utter silence as Movie-Optimus fell, his heroic music fading.

The wiggly-weirdo stood, clearly pleased. "_The lastttttt PPPPriimmmme issss **deadddddt**!_"

"Woah now," Ratchet wasn't happy with that. "He doesn't _die _in the novelisation."

"Says who?" Starscream sniggered.

"Says _movie-me_! I declare him in stasis lock, if it's _any _business of yours!"

"_Sam, **run**-!" _Movie-Optimus pleaded.

"Now he's dead!" Bumblebee howled, burying his helm in Optimus' chassis.

"Unbelievably, yeasss," Megatron replied, looking quite perturbed.

"Really dead?"

"Yeassss."

"Like forever?" The Beetle gasped.

"He's dead."

"But they always bring them back!"

"He's dead."

Bumblebee burst into tears. "But he's my favourite!"

Sam finally ran.

The Autobots were very subdued. They looked to their Commander, to judge what their reactions should be-

Optimus was chewing popcorn, looking fairly nonchalant for somebody who had just died.

"...Prime?" Jazz queried. "You alright?"

"Yeaa," he replied, looking surprised. "Why? Why do you all look so glum?"

"You- you _died_," the Porsche explained carefully.

"Hah! Haven't you learnt anything? Think of how many times I've died, Jazz. I always come back."

"Your movie-self might not have the same skill," Jazz worried.

"Oh, don't be silly. Starscream," Prime suddenly called. "Will you be relieved of _my_resurRECTION?"

"You- you're all going to suffer!" the Seeker shrieked.

With the greatest timing, the Autobots arrived on scene.

"_Autobots, attack!"_

_"Bumblebee, get them out of here!_"

Ratchet and Ironhide were pleased with their lines.

Movie-Megatron and Starscream made speedy exits, and the boy hung out of Bumblebee's window angstily.

_"This is Lennox,_" Sexy Beast declared.

"See now, _he_ looks upset," Jazz noted.

"Fail! They were too slow getting there!" Arcee wailed. "And where was _I?_"

No time for that, because movie-Megatron and Starscream were back! They- for some reason- approached a rooftop from different directions.

"_That went well._"

"Are you being _sarcastic_, Megatron?"

"I sense this will be painful," Starscream cringed .

"_We... lost the boy, master." _Movie-Starscream picked up his arm and offered it to movie-Megatron. _"The Autobots must be shielding their signals-!_"

Movie-Megatron appreciatively snatched the proffered arm and proceeded to fling the other mech to the roof's floor (one of the oddest phrases I've ever written).

"_No!_" Movie-Starscream wailed feebly.

"_I can't even rely on you to swat a simple insect!_" The arm was thwacked onto him.

"...Sam isn't an insect," Skyfire muttered. "He's a mammal."

"Agreed," Starscream scowled. "What an idiot."

"Be glad Movie-me returned your arm," Megatron grated darkly. "_I_ would have enforced punishment by keeping it from you for a period."

"But why couldn't _you_ have squashed him?" The Seeker protested. "You were there! I might not have known that you wanted a squashing to occur- it isn't like _tell_ me anything!""

The silver mech looked outraged.

"_One insect among seven **billion**!" _

_"Shut up!"_

_"He could be **anywhere**_**!**" Movie-Starscream pleadingly stroked Megatron's foot.

"...Insect could be a size thing," the brightly coloured Decepticon hurriedly amended, covering himself. "Insect-like in size relation."

"_ ...Then we will **force** them to find him for us-!" _Movie-Megatron began twizzling round, spasmodically clenching his claws. Movie-Starscream-_blatantly_ not listening, proceeded to re-attach his arm and give it a little twirl of his own. _"It's time for the world to know of our presence! No more disguises, no **mercy**! ...The time has come for my master's arrival," _he concluded in an eerily calm manner.

"...You reminded me of Optimus then," Sideswipe frowned. "The monologue and the whole stance thing- minus the spinning."

"I do _not _spin," Prime agreed.

"I like the idea of the world _not _knowing of your presence," Ratchet scorned. "You are standing on top of a _building_ in broad daylight. It isn't exactly like you're being discreet at all."

"Neither are you, Autobots!"

"...Hmm," Optimus agreed. "Remember: you came back to life in the first film and proceeded to wreck a city without delay. You come back to life in the second film and proceed to wreck lots of things without delay."

"_Decepticons, mobilise._" Movie-Soundwave ordered.

Ravage looked at the screen, confused.

"Ravage: Soundwave is here," the blue mech announced. "Movie-Soundwave; up in space."

"_It is **time.**_"

"That shot is from the first film!"

"_Yeaaasssss,_" Movie-Soundwave rumbled.

"We don't want to see the boy's inane parents!" Megatron howled raspily.

"_For Pete's sakes. I'm not impressed with your perverted mouth-breathing._"

"Is that a reference to you, Megsy?" Jazz asked. "After all, you do mouth-breathe in your wheezy manner. And you do sound perverted."

Movie-Megatron and movie-Starscream decided to hang out in New York, hanging from buildings in no similar way to King Kong at all.

Some woman murmured failingly into a microphone.

"Sorry, what did she say?"

"Who cares?" Starscream shrugged. "There's explosions."

Indeed there were. Decepticons apparently like to land on boats and completely obliterate them.

"...Is this Pearl Harbor?" Arcee winced. "Did Bay mix up his footage again?"

"_Arghh_!" Somebody screamed amusingly.

"_Revenge is **mine**," _the wiggly weirdo announced, finding a new hangout on the wreckage of a carrier.

"A little premature, that statement," Sideswipe complained.

"_Negative. NORAD confirmed_-"

"What the frag is NORAD?"

Bumblebee knew. "It's that thing that tracks Santa."

Megatron slammed into a building- because there is no need at all for landings or more graceful endeavours.

The wiggly weirdo began a monologue. Oddly enough, all the humans decided to watch calmly. Not one even looked vaguely concerned.

"He's taking over the big screen!" Bumblebee wailed. "And the world, too!"

"Do you think you can get him in 3D?" Jazz wondered. "He could clench a fist at you dramatically."

"Do you _want_ him in 3D?" Megatron huffed.

"w_e have lived among you, hidden_-"

Ratchet coughed rudely.

"-_unless you turn over this boy-"_

_"_We will eat your children!_" _Jazz rasped in a exceedingly accurate imitation.

"Awh, look! They've got a little picture of him!"

Arcee sniggered. "Think movie-Megs keeps it in his wallet?"

_"-we will destroy the world as you know it."_

"This speech reminds me that one from X-Men," Jazz sighed dreamily.

"Why are the Presidents always going into their bunkers? They did that in the first film!" Sideswipe raged.

The boy was sad. The unexplained male was very excited, and was stalking him.

"_We're dead, bro_."

"...No they aren't. They look fairly alive."

The boy tried to escape, to no avail. Instead, he took obvious revenge and smashed the other's phone.

"_They can track us? Like, satellite track us_?" The unexplained male shrieked.

"Like: Soundwave track you," Soundwave sang.

"_Yo, **Leo**!" _One of the ugliest Autobots ever conceived yapped.

_ "This thing's gonna give me a heart attack, I swear." _

_"_With good reason. It looks _terrible_,_" _Sideswipe looked like he wanted to purge.

"Don't look into its optics," Jazz wailed. "It'll kill you!"

_"Let's pop a cap in his ass, throw him in the trunk and then nobody gonna know nothing, know what I mean?" _Mudflap suggested.

_ "Not in my trunk."_

_"_...Oh dear," Optimus sighed. "Why has time been wasted on these two?"

Ironhide looked miserable. "Ah coulda had some lines."

There was a parting shot._"Go whine to your boyfriend!" _

The boy had had enough. _"You wanted the real deal? Well, that's what this is. Wake up! You're in the middle of it! You want to run? Go ahead! No one's stopping you. Stop complaining!" _

"How _is_ it that the boy ends up in the middle of important events?" Skyfire pondered. "Of course, he's only been in two so far, but still."

"Jus' slap him," Ironhide encouraged.

Back to Diego Garcia.

In slow-motion, the NEST soldiers strode forwards, the Autobots arriving from across the plane. Arcee wasn't there, but that doesn't matter! Inconsistency is the best thing about a film. Stop complaining, all you Bay-haters!

Movie-Optimus could be seen hanging from beneath a helicopter.

"They're going to fix him!" Bumblebee cheered.

The helicopter dropped Optimus.

Every single being in the room was furious. They all spoke at once, and thus I shall attempt to decipher some of the chaos.

Prime wasn't happy. "How-how _dare_ they! I died for them!"

Ironhide wasn't happy. "Where's tha' respect?"

Jazz wasn't happy. "ARGHHHHHHH-"

Sideswipe wasn't happy. "What the _hell_-"

Ratchet wasn't happy. "I have to fix that!"

Arcee wasn't happy, and couldn't even speak for rage.

Megatron spluttered angrily. "That's outrageous! Out of order!"

Starscream wailed. "That's horrible!"

Even Soundwave looked alarmed.

Movie-Prime crashed to the ground.

"That's- that's not _nice_," Optimus commented feebly. "That's just not _right_-!"

"...Ah think we should do tha same wi' some humans," Ironhide suggested heatedly. "Drop 'em, see how they feel!"

"They didn't do that with _their_ soldiers," Sideswipe spat ferociously. "They had nice little flag-covered coffins!"

It could have been a poignant moment, but some more humans came.

Movie-Sideswipe wasn't happy either._"What is the meaning of this?_"

"_You dare point a gun at me?" _Movie-Ironhide snarled, clearly irate- and not happy._"You want a piece of me? I will tear you apart_!"

"Oh, 'hide! Was that a tribute t'me?" Jazz wept, overcome with emotion. "The wanting of pieces?"

"AH HAVE A LINE," Ironhide cheered.

"_Drop your weapons! Drop your weapons_!_Tell them to lower their weapons!" _Fighting for the Autobots and banging rudely on the vehicles, Sexy Beast went up in the Transformers' esteem.

_"Tell them first." _

_"Tell them to lower their weapons-!_"

"Oh, this is childish," Starscream yawned.

"_Your NEST team is deactivated, Major_."

"Oh, it's that glitch," Sideswipe groaned.

"_You are to cease anti-Decepticon operations and return to Diego Garcia pending further orders_."

"Yay!" Megatron cheered, then remembered that he was fully grown and mature. "Uhh, I mean- we can thrash the humans! Thrash! _Thrash_ themmmmm!"

"_I have operational command now._"

"You, sir, are a complete _dick_." Arcee declared firmly.

_"An alien blood feud has been brought to our shores for which our soldiers are paying the price-"_

"No, they're not. We don't have blood," Ratchet growled.

"_The secret is **out**_!" The suit-man rudely jabbed at an affronted movie-Sideswipe. _"This is our war now and we will win it as we always have, with a coordinated military strategy."_

Optimus was too busy laughing to care anymore.

"_This fool is terribly misinformed._" An unhappy gun-wielding Ratchet immortalised himself with a particularly incredible line, squeezing in some screentime.

"_Whatever the Decepticons are after, this is just the start_," the random English man said helpfully.

The rude chin-suit-man physically assaulted Sexy Beast. "_And take that pile of scrap metal-" _

A barrage hit the screen. Not of words- the barrage included soft, harmless plushy animals, wool, an origami wrench, a stress-toy Optimus, popcorn, a cardboard cut-out, Bumblebee and a giant "I hate you" sign.

"_I really don't like that dude. He's an **asshole**_." Epps said, summing up the arsehole.

"_Ironhide, we should leave this planet," _Movie-Ratchet _could_ have been seething.

"_That's not what Optimus would want_," the black Autobot replied nobly.

"...So they're not gonna fix him?" Bumblebee looked tearful again.

The boy had not been angsty for a while, so it was time for another scene of him moping.

_ "Bee, if you hate me, I understand._ ...._I messed up. I'm sorry."_

Bumblebee now attempted to hold back previous and fresh tears.

His counterpart was unwavering in his love for the boy. "_Young fella- you are the person I care about most in my life. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away." _

_ "_Damn, Bumblebee. You have fine radio clips,_" _ Jazz sniffled.

"_He's dead because of me. He came here to protect me and he's dead._"

"That's because you're an idiot and you don't_ listen_!" Optimus snarled, punching Starscream.

Nobody even looked surprised.

"_There's some things you just can't change,_" Tom Hanks began as Bumblebee blinked emphatically. "_So, his sacrifice for us would not have been in vain. Hallelujah!"_

"Movie-Bumblebee is so damned beautiful!" Arcee howled.

"_I'm gonna make it right,_" the boy tried. "_I'm going to turn myself in." _

Movie-Bumblebee wasn't having it. "_We... we've got to stick together! Everything we worked for will be wiped out- in one day!_"

"You're _wasted_ on the boy," Prime firmly declared. "Wasted."

The boy suddenly looked like he had a plan, and told the ugly Autobots so. "-_like a map to an Energon source! Can you read this?"_

"Why don't you ask _Bumblebee_? Your friend!?" Ratchet snarled. "Those two are _useless!_"

"_Look who came sashaying back!_"

The unexplained male had sadly returned. "_I had a bit of a mild panic attack earlier, right_?"

"...Mild?"

"_That's 'cause you're a pussy_."

"Mrrrooow?" Ravage interjected.

"Why don't these idiots _die_?" Ratchet strangled Barricade. "Megatron, will you _tear_ them apart?"

"I will," Ironhide offered. "I can apparently do so."

"**_Robo-Warrior_**."

"Would you trust the unexplained male? Really?" Sideswipe was disbelieving.

"Well, the boy is as spasticated as him. Maybe they've found kinship."

"-_and maybe, maybe I saw some of your alien drawings or whatever_."

"So they're going off on a_ maybe_?!" Jazz twitched. "The fate of the _Universe _hangs in the balance!"

Another shot now, and apparently they're outside a deli. Lovely.

"...When did they change their clothes?" Bumblebee asked.

"Maybe Mike had spare on her."

"...Don't be stupid. They probably _stole_ them."

"The boy is not a criminal!"

"_All right, wait here. I'll give you the go/no go,_" the unexplained male ordered.

Naturally, they ignored him after about ten seconds.

"_You... you ruined a beautiful piece of fish, you retard!_"

"...Somebody isn't happy."

"_I'm like a ninja with a **blade**. It's an art form_."

Bumblebee was excited. "Oh! That's that guy from the first one and he's working in a butchers!"

The retard-ninja peered out from between some meat. "_You must be talking about that amateur-hour blog operation with Game Boy-level security."_

"...Do Game Boys have security?"

"That might be the point, Bumblebee."

"_Robo-Warrior,_ " the unexplained male uttered venomously._ "It's him! It's him! That's the guy right there! That's him!" _

"Why don't you shout it louder?" Ratchet seethed. "What's the issue with this film and discretion?"

"_You got to be kidding me_," the boy said, whipping off his cunning disguise and revealing himself.

The retard-ninja was not happy to see the boy. "_Old friends? You're the case that shut down Sector Seven, got the kibosh, disbanded. No more security clearance, no retirement, no nothing. All 'cause of you and your little criminal girlfriend. Look at her now, so **matuuuuure**._"

"...Can tha' be classified as eye-molestation?" Ironhide queried.

"Repetition!" Ratchet snarled, hurling a woollen wrench.

"_You live with your mama?_" Mature Mike sassed.

"_No, my mama lives with me_," he sassed back. "_It's a big difference_."

"_They got your face all over the news, alien boy."_

"Does _no one _call him Sam?" Optimus sighed.

"_And NBE One's still kicking, huh? How did that happen? Don't answer. I don't know what you're hiding, but I don't want anything to do with it."_

Soundwave paused. "Conclusion: retard-ninja longs to know."

"...Who is NBE One?" Megatron rasped angrily. "_I_ am the important character now!"

"_Look, I am slowly losing my mind_," the alien boy sounded a little upset. "_Okay, I had a little crab-bot, plunged a device deep into the soft tissues of my brain and started projecting little alien symbols like a freaking home movie! And on top of that, I'm a wanted fugitive. So, you think you got it rough_-"

"Don't f'get the flesh grabbing and the mutual fetish!" Jazz added.

"_Meat locker, now_!"

"Best chat-up line I've ever heard," Arcee approved. "And Hot Rod has many."

"_Do not tell my mother."_

"They don't _know_ his mother."

"_Swine flu_," the boy worried.

"You can't get swine flu," Prime assured. "The boy cannot get such things."

"_Hey, still radioactive. Hands off."_

"Frenzy!" Soundwave cried, staring at his movie-creation.

"That's just wrong," Starscream looked horrified.

"...That's underground, right?" Barricade suddenly spoke. "So why are there windows letting light in?"

"_Okay, Cube-brain_."

"Why never _Sam!?_"

"-_poached S-7's crown jewel, over 75 years of alien research_-"

"...And how did he do this without being noticed?"

"_-they said the readings were infinitesimal, that I was obsessed. Me. Can you imagine that_?"

"_Yeah_," the boy agreed. "_Megatron said that there was another Energon source here."_

"Me again!" Megatron roared, ecstatic. "He doesn't care for you anymore, Prime!"

"_No, no, no, the source is before them. Whatever the Energon source is, it predates them. It's before them_."

"He asked those fake-twins," Sideswipe fumed. "How can he possibly know that somebody else isn't aware?"

"_Well, then we're porked, unless we can talk to a Decepticon_."

"Nice pun, but what?"

Starscream was confused. "Why on Cybertron would a Decepticon be able to help?"

"I'm not understanding this. Do Decepticons predate Autobots now?"

"Oh, seriously. I'm sure Ratchet and Ironhide are ol-" Jazz wisely reconsidered. "I mean, _awesome_ enough t'be able t'decipher those symbols."

Mike did something useful again (surprising everybody), and movie-Bumblebee was happy to be used as a Decepticon-transport and otherwise just park and do nothing.

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about your eye, you know, but, if you're a good boy, then I'm not gonna torch your other eye. Okay? I'm not gonna torch it_."

"...That sounded sincere."

"_That's the language of the Primes. I don't read it, but these guys..."_

"Do you reckon _I _could read it?" Optimus asked.

"You're dead," Megatron sniggered. "So no."

"_Seekers, pal. Oldest of the old._"

Starscream twitched. "I am not _old_."

"No, you're the _oldest_ of the old."

The team suddenly appeared somewhere else.

"_Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. Land of dreams in there_," the retard-ninja announced wistfully. "_All I ever wanted to be was an astronaut."_

Optimus slammed a hand over Bumblebee's optics as the human ripped his trousers off.

"Well," Ratchet commented disgustedly. "They came off easily."

The boy was also repulsed.

"_It's a baseball thing_."

"He can't make up his mind. What is he? What does he want to be? Does he want to search for aliens? Be an astronaut? Work in a deli? Play _baseball?_" Megatron ranted, breaking into wheezy coughs. Clearly his vocal processors couldn't take such demanding speeches.

"Take a ventilation," Starscream held back a snigger, "oh ancient leader."

"...Was that an Autobot insignia?" Optimus howled. "On his man-thong, along with his Sector 7 rubbish?! Better not have been."

"You get all the rejects, Prime."

"_Tricks the polygraph every time_."

"We don't know what a polygraph _is_," Bonecrusher snarled. "...I hate them. I hate this man."

_"No, listen, I can't do this. I'm not some alien bounty hunter, guys. I'm not gonna do this. Guards have guns. I don't want to die-"_ The unexplained male wasn't happy. Clearly the Taser set him off.

"_Kid, kid, kid_." The retard-ninja chest-bumped him backwards. "_You compromise this mission, you are dead to me_."

"...Does it really matter what he thinks of the unexplained male?"

"Let's watch that part- muted," Arcee suggested, optics flashing.

They did so.

The retard-ninja ripped his trousers off and they did nothing for a while. He seemed to threateningly wield a Taser, and then started assaulting the unexplained male, pinning him against a car.

"...Woah."

The Transformers recommenced watching it with sound- or in Bumblebee's case, happily waiting for Optimus to uncover his optics and audio processors. It wasn't going to happen.

"_Sir! I suggest you get in there. The museum is closed_!"

"The tannoy said it was clos_ing_," Ratchet disagreed. "Mixed messages."

"_Sir, you are a grown, naked man around children_."

"..._Bay_ is a grown, naked man around children," Sideswipe commented. "That's what this film feels like."

A guard decided to hand the unexplained male some toilet paper. "_This is a family museum, sir._"

The unexplained male took his chance, but then failed spectacularly.

"What a-" Ratchet strangled the air, unable to express himself.

Megatron shot more wool out of his cannon. "He's glitched! Why didn't he pull his trousers up!"

"He's stupid," Bumblebee giggled.

Optimus covered his helm with wool donated from Megatron. "No peeking!"

Retard-ninja was not best pleased. "_You are an amateur_-"

"Ah hope he Tases himself again," Ironhide sighed. "Ah dohn't think he should be able t'have children."

The boy and Mike appeared out of hiding from a plane. How they got in there, who knows.

"Why are they carrying cake-mixers?" Bumblebee asked.

Mike did some nifty skidding of her own over the floor.

"ATTACK THEM NOOOOW, RUNT!" Megatron roared. "They haven't got their Autobot guardians!"

"_I'm claustrophobic_," Wheelie gasped, practically falling out of the container.

"_Look, look. Follow him. Follow him. He knows where he's going- he knows something!" _Mike said.

"_What_?" The boy clearly wasn't listening.

_"He knows something! He knows something!"_

_"_Yet more captivating utterances from Mike,_" _Ratchet snarled. _"_What was the flame-thing from the runt?!_"_

"_Oh, shit! It's a DECEPTICON!_ " The eye-candy screamed.

"What-!" Ratchet snarled. "You didn't have the sense to check _before_!"

"The runt has not let me down!" Megatron cried wheezily. "He has ensured victory by leading them to a powerful, merciless-"

"_What sort of hideous mausoleum is this_?" The Blackbird asked, shoving his cockpit up onto his forehelm.

"They- they will be killed!" Megatron wailed with slightly less enthusiasm.

"_Show yourselves or suffer my infinite wrath_!"

"See? He has infinite wrath-?" The Decepticon Commander tried to convince himself.

"_You little spinal-cord-based organisms_!"

"Better insults than you," Ratchet noted.

"_Behold the ehternal gloryyyy of Jeeehhhhtfiiirrrre_!" The Decepticon cried.

Starscream laughed and shoved Skyfire. "Sucks to be you!"

"Th-that's me? I'm the old and useless failure?" The shuttle's shoulders sagged miserably.

_"I tell you, this guy did not age well_," Wheelie said rudely.

"That miniscule excuse for a Transformer will suffer a painful termination," Skyfire growled.

"I like your style of pacifism," Megatron nodded approvingly.  
"_I don't think he's gonna hurt us_," Mike tentatively suggested.

"How do you know? It could be a ploy!" Starscream shrieked.

"_I command these doors to open. Fire! I said, fire! Bollocks!_"

"LANGUAAAGE!" Prime howled.

"_Itchy, wretched rust in my arse_!" Jetfire continued.

"Oh, we needed to know that," Arcee winced.

"_The museum is going to be very angry. Very angry!_" The retard-ninja announced as they ran after the giant mech. "_We gotta catch that plane!_"

"I'm fed up of this," Ratchet hissed. "They're treating us as if we don't have feelings."

"Why don't they get Bumblebee to speak to him?" Sideswipe suggested. "Would be a lot easier and faster."

Skyfire muttered something about the back of the Smithsonian museum _not_ being a plane graveyard.

_"I'm a mercenary doom-bringer," _Jetfire told them brightly_. "What planet am I on?" _

The boy told him.

"_Might as well call it 'Dirt'. Planet 'Dirt.'"_

"He's right, actually. Perhaps Earth should be renamed."

"Who has the right to rename Earth?" Optimus shrugged.

"I do," Megatron declared. "Once I conquer it, it shall be called 'MEGATOPIA!'"

"_Who's winning?"_

"Be true to us, boy!" Prime cried. "Believe in us!"

Megatron wheezily laughed at the response. "No! _Noooo_! He's a failure, and he admits the Autobots are too! _Faaaailurrees_!"

"Ha! You don't even have Jetfire on your side!"

"...Do I really _want_ Jetfire? Look at him. He's old and infirm, no use to me."

"_It's a choice. It's an intensely personal decision. So much negativity. Who wants to live a life filled with hate_?"

Skyfire looked pensive. "My movie-self and I are more alike than I first thought."

Ratchet's smile was alarming. "I _do _live a life full of hate. It suits me just fine."

The runt piped up._"You mean you don't have to work for those miserable, freaking Decepticons?" _

"Well, I don't want _him_ on our side," Prime sulked.

"_Who's your little Autobot_?"

"No, no. There has to be processes," Ratchet insisted. "He can't just flit from one faction to the other. He- he has to be accepted, and he hasn't been. He's a wanna-be."

Optimus gave up all hope of Revenge of the Fallen ever being taken as a serious film as possibly the most cringe-worthy _thing_ occurred. "That doesn't need to happen, Bay!" He wailed.

The wool covering Bumblebee twitched. "What doesn't?"

"Nothing," Jazz said hurriedly. "Wheelie is just... making friends."

"Really?"

"Yes. Did you know that the guy who voices him does Spongebob as well?"

"Wow! Really?? I like him!" The wool shifted.

Soundwave threw Optimus a recently knitted and incredibly long scarf. "Purpose: suffocation."

The boy wasn't pleased.

Mike looked very happy. "_At least he's faithful, Sam."_

"I'm not even going to make a comment on that," Ratchet hissed, twisting his rubber wrench manically.

Eventually attention was returned to the movie-plot.

"_I told you my name was Jetfire, so stop judging me_!"

"I'm fed up of Wheelie," Starscream grouched. "He's rude, crass, unnecessary- and not even funny."

"_I have issues of my own. And it started with my mother!" _Jetfire declared. _"My ancestors have been here for centuries. My father- why, he was a wheel, the first wheel! Do you know what he transformed into?""_

The boy looked vaguely interested.

"**_Nothiiiing_**_! But he did so with honour, dignity-!"_

"...If his father couldn't transform, how did he reproduce?"

"And wouldn't that mean he was made of wood?"

_"I think we can help each other_," the boy grinned manically. "_You know things I don't know. I know things you don't know, I do._"

With absolutely no explanation or warning, the boy was suddenly wielding a knife and hacking into the floor.

"He is _crop circles_ boy! He creates crop circles!"

"_I could do this all day,"_ the boy continued, hacking away. "_It comes in waves, these vivid symbols. They're symbols, but they're in my mind. You see, all this is in my mind and Megatron wants what's in my mind_."

"...If there's any more repetition, this child will die."

"_He's terrible to work for. It's always apocalypse, chaos, crisis_!" Jetfire rambled for a little while, revealing important plot information.

The humans were confused. _"Slow down. The Dagger's Tip? The key? What are you talking about_?"

"...Exactly how we feel with you," Ratchet muttered darkly.

Jetfire was having none of it. "_Stay still or you'll die!"_

In compromising positions, the humans huddled together as _light_ happened.

At that moment, the crack from Soundwave's earlier blast suddenly widened, spreading across the whole screen and plunging the cinema into darkness.

"...Nice one, Soundwave. Niiiice."

"It was just getting good," a chilling whisper echoed.

Optimus jerked around to see some new mech in the seat behind. "When did you get here?"

"I am _always_ here. In your mind."

"...Well, you realise you're on fire?"

"I blaze with _evil_."

"As long as it doesn't get on the seats."

"Fire is the _least_ of your worries!" The mech proclaimed forebodingly."Revenge is _mine!_"

Megatron nudged Prime. "Who is it?"

"Absolutely no idea."

* * *

This was going to be a Valentine's present to you all, readers-! Well, it would have been, except another story rudely demanded my attentions.

I'm going to take a leaf out of Bay's book now and shamelessly self-promote. I do have a good reason for it, though- after reading this, if you _did _want to check out my other fictions, you wouldn't find this one in _My Stories. _You'll find it under the awesome **Clumsy Peg**_. _I'd really like you to check out **The Hunt For Prime**- you will find a link for it on my page. :3

It would be a great favour to me if you did.

Anyway, next chapter- we might finish the film, we might not, but we'll travel to Egypt and try to figure out why ROTF is so long-winded and awkward to follow! We'll wonder why the Twins have such undeserved screentime! We'll see the boy believe in himself! We'll see more useless characters claim the screentime of our favourites! We'll tear ROTF to shreds! Why would you miss it?

Note: :P I just remembered something. There's going to be a longer wait for the next chapter because I'm giving up Transformers for Lent. I'm not even particularly religious, and still can't believe it myself.

I also know I'm stupid and I won't be able to do it, but I'm under peer pressure and I'm determined to try. :3

I have been told by my friends that the only thing I can do is write fanfiction (or else I will implode)- but that is of no use to this story, as I need to watch the film as well.

I'M SORRY. I will try as hard as I can to get the next chapter out as quickly as possible- thank you for your patience!

:D


	3. Sand And Pointless Gabbling!

**What The Transformers Thought Of Revenge Of The Fallen: **

Quite a few all-nighters, lots of pain from wheezy laughing, twitchy muscles from ROTF over-watching, about fifty shouts of YOU'RE SAD, TROLOLOL from my kind understanding relatives, much eye-rubbing, a sudden gift of picking out the most retarded details when I now watch any film, and a _lot_ of boring my friends to death with questions and bouncing ideas- but so much fun!

I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that if you haven't seen ROTF and don't like spoilers, or don't want to be able to notice various continuity errors and the rest, please do not read this and then complain at me. It doesn't make sense!

Oooh, and I'd like to thank _Clumsy Peg_ and _nessus_. Their support has been invaluable. C:

Hope you enjoy, it's taken me long enough. ;) And thank you, reviewers and favourite-rs. :D

* * *

For no apparent reason, we're being shown an establishing shot of a desert. For a split second you may wonder _Why_?, but really, you should be thinking _Who_ _cares_? Whilst you may be enjoying the action-phoar-punching-explodey-goodness, a small part of your soul is yearning for Transformer interaction.

Fool, little did you realise that every Transformers series ever created is actually all about the humans- mainly sexy girls- and explosions. You see, robots just happen to come along now and again.

This film is what you genuinely want, chaps.

Why would you want Cybertronians to have screentime when you could be watching a bunch of humans flailing through a desert?

You didn't realise that this film had an elaborate and clever plot.

And you certainly didn't realise that Megan Fox is slowly sapping away your will to live.

You're managing for now, but that's only because for a fraction of a moment you sometimes glimpse a metallic being onscreen.

EXPLOSION, and we're back to the madness!

The Retarded Twins flew through the air with wails and cries.

"Please let them die," Arcee whispered as they smashed into a large rock formation.

This wistful plea was echoed here and there among the seats.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," Bumblebee cried as his wailing movie-self hurtled through the air. Prime suddenly realised the wool covering his optics and audio receptors had unravelled, giving him an odd ruff. "Can we try that? Optimus, that looks fun- we should try that!- can we, can-"

"Exactly what just happened?" Sideswipe asked as movie-Bumblebee bounced against the ground. "Did I blink and miss some exposition?"

The boy splatted nearby and began giving an angsty shout for no apparent reason, eyeing his new claw-hand.

"Is he dying?" Megatron asked eagerly.

"I don't see why they have exploded outwards at different speeds and in various directions," Skyfire said. "They weren't moving before the transportation."

"If only Mike has been dashed against a rock," Starscream hissed enthusiastically.

"Hurrah," Jazz cried. "Let it be, brutha!"

_"That wasn't so bad," _Jetfire declared as Wheelie flew across the shot. "_I just 'ope we're still on the right planet._"

"Curses!" Optimus cried as the ex-Sector Seven agent appeared briefly, "the retard-ninja still lives! How can this be?"

"We can only hope the female is dead," Ratchet said solemnly.

The Transformers' hopes were raised as the unexplained male and Mike lay unmoving on the sands.

Not for long.

"_...you landed on my testicles,_" the unexplained male wheezed.

Optimus slowly wrapped Soundwave's proffered knitted scarf around Bumblebee's optics and audio receptors, sadly giving up any hope of the yellow mech being able to watch the film properly.

"I can't see," the young Autobot said brightly.

"I know," Prime said.

"I can't hear the film," he said slowly, attempting to frown.

"Even better."

"Do you have any more scarves, Soundwave?" Ratchet asked cheerfully. "I think I may need one presently for myself."

"Look!" Arcee cried ecstatically, "her jeans are dirtied!"

"**_STTTTTTHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAM,_**" Mike roared.

"_Simmons?_" the boy howled as he suddenly forgot about his claw-hand, hood flopping over his shoulder. Apparently he didn't care about Mike.

"I cannot deal with this any longer," Skyfire whispered, rocking slowly back and forth. "The continuity error is eroding my Spark."

Sideswipe frowned. "Steady, man."

"Can't you see it?" the shuttle demanded. "Watch his hood, just watch it. It's been horrible ever since he donned it. It keeps flicking, flicking between being placed normally and hanging forwards."

"Stay calm," Starscream said. "Don't over-excite yourself; old mechs can't handle the stress."

"_What is this_?" the unexplained male asked incredulously, voicing the question on everybody's processors. "_It's Vegas-?_"

"Hasn't he ever seen CSI?" Sideswipe demanded. "This looks nothing like Vegas."

"It's still sand," Arcee pointed out. "I am fed up of sand."

"_That really, really hurt,_" the retard-ninja announced, limbs spazzing about to emphasise his displeasure. "_You're just lucky that I didn't **get** hurt. I could have gotten killed, okay? And if I had gotten killed, you'd have heard from my mother-_"

Jetfire was having none of it. "_Shut up_."

The Transformers cheered- well, apart from Bonecrusher, but he didn't say anything about 'hate' so that was approval enough.

Megatron nodded approvingly. "That is all that needs to be said."

_"I told you I was opening a space bridge. It's the fastest way to travel to Egypt_."

"Surely it's the fastest way to travel to _most_ places," Arcee pointed out.

"_You didn't tell us anything!_" the boy cried, suddenly sporting a bandaged hand and also spazzing about. "_Why are we in **Egypt**_**?**"

"You tell him, boy!" Optimus said indignantly.

"This isn't making any sense," Sideswipe whined. "I'm bored."

"Did Mike treat his hand?" Ratchet demanded. "Where did she get the materials, the knowledge? I am full of **_rage_**!"

Skyfire was watching miserably. "I am old and decrepit and useless and humiliating."

"No change there then," Starscream sniped.

"Next time you're on the floor, I may accidentally stand on your helm," Skyfire said. "My mass will accidentally surely crush you into oblivion, or at least into an incredibly ugly and hopefully irreparable state."

"I dislike this," Megatron sulked. "I don't keep him around for his processor, you know."

"You don't _keep_ me," Starscream hissed. "I keep myself, thank you very much."

"Keep thinking that," the commander said airily.

"_Don't you get snippy with me, fleshling! You were duly informed_!" Jetfire sat down only to get up five seconds later.

Optimus looked slightly upset over the Sam-directed insults, but Megatron was quick to remind him that if _his_ movie-self wasn't going to, _someone _had to discipline the boy.

"Here comes the exposition," Ratchet declared. "Prepare for an information overload. If any of you fritz, I shall not restore you."

"_Do you have any idea what it's like to slowly fall apart and die_?" Jetfire asked loudly, to a disturbingly complete and utter lack of sympathy.

"_Let's not get episodic, okay, old-timer?_" the retard-ninja demanded.

"That's _nice_," Arcee scowled. "He's dying, and they just _dismiss it_ as episodic?"

"I thought the boy was supposed to care about us," Bumblebee whimpered.

Ratchet's fingers were twitching with barely suppressed excitement. "I would much like to get my hands on him. All he needs is a good check-up and-"

Skyfire was frowning deeply. "Perhaps I am actually still a Decepticon and am just deceiving them into thinking I'm an Autobot. Maybe they'll still die."

Megatron eyed the shuttle with newfound admiration. "Say, Autobot scum, did you know the Decepticons are looking for a scientist?"

Starscream shrieked furiously. "_I_ am the resident scientist!"

"You never do anything useful, _anything_!" Megatron wheezed spitefully. "At least the Autoscum seems to _have_ a processor."

The retard-ninja continued retardedly. _"__Beginning, middle, end. Facts. Details. Condense. Plot. Tell it._"

"He's treating me like a fool!" Skyfire cried indignantly.

Ironhide growled. "Shoot 'im."

"I hate his way of speaking," Bonecrusher said supportively.

Jetfire surprisingly listened to the fleshlings, and soon more plot devices unravelled. _"__It harvests Energon by destroying suns_," the Blackbird commented as Ratchet choked.

"That seems a _little_ extravagant," he commented lowly.

"_You mean blow them up_?" the unexplained male asked.

"Primus," Megatron spluttered raspily, "why didn't we think of this instead of raiding rubbish power plants?"

"We did, you fool!" Starscream hissed. "This film has clearly stolen our Solar Needle-"

"Did it work? Did the _Solar Needle wo-**ooork**_?"

"Of course it didn't," the Seeker snapped. "Would we be sitting here if it had?"

"The Autobots foiled you as ever," Optimus affirmed helpfully. "So _hah_, Decepticon!"

Ignoring Megatron's rage, the red and blue mech instead munched thoughtfully on his popcorn as Jetfire rambled on about Primes. "Could this actually be some mythology without explosions interrupting it?"

"Say," Megatron said, "I wasn't aware you could have seven Primes at once. That might actually be a challenging fight."

"Nah," Jazz sighed, "they too skinny to fight."

"Fair conclusion."

"_-never destroy a planet with life-_"

Megatron didn't look impressed. "I hadn't realised that idiocy ran in your energon, Optimus. You truly can't help it, can you, can _yooou_?"

"Idiocy?" Prime repeated indignantly. "You're the idiot here, _Mega-idiot!_"

"Oooh," the Decepticon rasped lowly, "your witty insults make me so angry!"

Movie-verse Fallen pranced about onscreen again, jabbing his stick about at nothing.

"You actually follow that jerk?" Starscream cackled at Megatron's expense. "What a-"

"You do too," Arcee pointed out. "You're equally deranged."

"-_with a legendary key called the Matrix of Leadership.__"_

"Which my movie-self will have," Optimus cried with delight, pumping a fist. "Suck on it, Megatron."

"No, something tells me that this will be the next idiotic task for the boy," Ratchet said.

"Rubbish," Jazz laughed. "Not even _Bay_ woulda screwed our mythos so badly!"

Jetfire was still rambling on as the skinny anorexic thing capered about with his stick and there were explosions and stuff. "_The Fallen was stronger than his brothers-_"

"Do y'mind?" the saboteur asked abruptly, turning around in his seat to glare at the Fallen. "Yer flames are gettin' a bit hot. They distract me, yeah?"

"Make me," the Fallen demanded.

"Shut up and tone it down," Optimus ordered, optics still focused on the screen as the weird Primes skulked about suspiciously, glancing over their shoulders as if they had something to hide. Quite fittingly, they did. "Only movie-Optimus gets to have flames abundant. Do you want me to come back there?"

"Who says I am afraid of you?"

"Movie-you," Prime pointed out. "I'll come for your face if you don't watch out."

Ironhide was disturbed by the heavy implications within. "Seven o'them- _seven_ mechs cahn't defeat one?"

Jazz waved another graphic novel. "He enhanced his crazy Force powers by blowin' up beings over th'orns."

"How very Bay," Barricade cackled.

"I hate Bayformers," Bonecrusher said thoughtfully, with a rare three-syllable word. No, I'm lying. He didn't say it thoughtfully, because usually Bayformers-hate isn't overly well-thought through. It's an impulse, really, a speedy bandwagon.

Hate on!

Optimus looked attentive as his movie-brothers impaled the Fallen with their own sticks; he fell backwards, presumably temporarily incapacitated. "Why can't they terminate him right then?"

The Transformers thought about it, but it required logic which is something they had no time for.

"What of Sentinel?" Ratchet demanded. "What of Nova? This is ridiculous. They are giving information without telling us anything. **_Detail_**!" he roared suddenly, flinging a spanner-shaped towel at the screen, "where is the **_detail_**?"

"It is in focusing on Mike's body," Starscream said disgustedly, "when it could be on mine."

"We don't want to look at your body," Bumblebee refuted.

"Yes you do."

"Don't," Bumblebee said firmly. "I like explosions and Sam and _me_ doing stuff."

"You child," the Seeker sneered with an arrogant sniff. "One orn you will understand."

"He will _not_," Optimus stated dangerously. "And any who corrupt him will pay a heavy price."

The Decepticons (almost) inconspicuously edged away from the oblivious yellow mech.

_"__In the ultimate sacrifice, they gave their lives to seal the Matrix away in a tomb made of their very own bodies-_"

"**Nice**," Arcee said, face screwed up in disgust. "Tasteful."

"Sounds heroic enough," Optimus said approvingly, chin raised with the power of heroism. "Sacrifice."

Jazz waved one of his graphic novels. "Yer ancestor was the bestest o'them all, Ops."

"Of course he was," Prime said proudly. "My bad-assery spawned from somewhere."

"Haha, _spawned_," Bumblebee giggled. "Like how Starscream spawns an army?"

The Decepticon twitched with longing to beat the youngster, but refrained after a cursory glance at the Bumblebee-shield/Optimus. "No."

"_...if he finds the tomb of the Primes, your world will be no more_."

Jazz frowned. "Buh Jetty knows where th' weapon is. In th' graphic novels he was there when th'fools built it."

"_Okay, so how do we stop him_?" Mike asked with odd calm.

"As if it would be _easy_," Ratchet snorted.

"_Only a Prime can defeat the Fallen_," Jetfire declared dramatically.

"Comme moi!" Optimus roared, popcorn flung into the air and showering over everyone.

"_Optimus Prime?_" the boy asked simply.

"No way," Starscream monotoned. "He isn't a Prime."

"It's beyond your meagre comprehensive abilities, but I am," Optimus beamed. "This will be simpler than I had expected."

Megatron felt the need to pop his opposite's bubble. "But you're dead."

"Fool!" Ironhide cried. "Don'cha know ya cahn't keepa Prime down?"

"Yeaaaah," Optimus said smugly. "You wait."

Jetfire was suddenly very interested, even curling downwards to stare at the boy more intently. "_So, you've met a Prime? Why, you must have met a great descendant."_

"Look at his beard scraping on the ground!" Starscream laughed deliriously.

"Why does he even have a beard?" Ratchet scowled.

"I hate beards," Bonecrusher announced. "In our continuity we never have beards. I hate Bayformers."

Wherever they were, Wreck-Gar and Alpha Trion felt their audio receptors burning and hid in shame.

"_Is he alive. **Here.** On this planet?_"

"Why do I have a speech impediment?" Skyfire demanded. "Why can't I ask normally?"

"Oh sweet Bay," Arcee whispered pleadingly, "this is the part where you do not shame us with that standard of voice acting."

"This is the part where the boy says 'oh shit'," Megatron predicted.

"Value me now, do you?" Optimus shouted, shaking a fist at the human. "Realise what I did for you, eh? Oh no, you only care that I'm dead because _now_ you want me to come back to life and save you all! Ho, don't think I'm doing it, you ungrateful little-"

"_He sacrificed himself to save me,_" the boy said solemnly.

"_So 'e's dead,"_ Jetfire said brilliantly.

"Gen'rally what a sacrifice entails," Jazz agreed.

"Captain Obvious," Sideswipe muttered.

_"Without a Prime, it's impossible," _Captain Obvious continued. _"No one else could stop the Fallen._"

"What a cheery outlook," Arcee commented dryly.

"How many times do we need to be told that only Optimus can do it?" Starscream sneered.

"I quite like it," said mech refuted. "It makes me feel important."

"Does it make you feel less dead?" Megatron goaded gleefully. "Because you _are_ dead, _dead_!" And he chuckled heartily for evil emphasis.

"..._the same energy that's gonna be used to reactivate the machine- could that energy somehow be used to reactivate Optimus?_"

"Don't make me akin to a _machine_!" Prime howled. "I am not a machine!"

"You _are_ a machine," Megatron sniped for giggles.

"I'm not!" the Autobot shouted. "I am a beautiful sentient being!"

_"So, then how do you get us to the Matrix before the Decepticons get to me?_"

"Oooh," Ratchet sassed, "it's all about _you_, isn't it boy?"

"_What you carved in the sand, it's your clue. When dawn alights the Dagger's Tip, Three Kings will reveal the doorway! Find the **dooooorway**!_" Captain Obvious attempted to crush a nonplussed Sam and friends with his pimp-cane.

"It's clear that they've got no idea what to do," Starscream pointed out. "They're idiots, unlike _me_. Look, they don't even want to leave."

Jetfire attempted to hit Sam with his cane again- Skyfire crossed his fingers and was whispering quietly under his breath.

"Someone's gettin' a lil excited," Ironhide commented. "Mebbe he should lie down or paint or somethin'."

"**_Go _**_now, **go! Go** before the Decepticons find me... and find **you**,_" Captain Obvious ordered, looming creepily and leering at the camera.

"Could he get much closer to the camera?" Arcee scowled. "Honestly."

"What's he going to do whilst they run around, have a _nap_?" Barricade demanded. "Why can't he use a space-bridge again and take them somewhere?"

"Like the _Pit_," the Fallen suggested.

"Good idea," Jazz approved. "Although 'bee needs t'be spared."

"I'll be spared!" Bumblebee cried.

"No, _you_ won't," the Fallen said. "You're very irritating. You can take your counterpart's place and burn for eternity. He is too cute to burn."

"You like cute?" Optimus asked curiously.

"Everybody likes cute."

"I don't!" Megatron cried raspily. "I, the mighty Megatron, _abhor_ cute! Megatron murders cute!"

"Nice third person, but I would have thought it would be far faster for Captain Obvious to either teleport or fly them somewhere," Arcee said.

"I- he wouldn't be able to take the Autobots if he flew," Skyfire pointed out.

"The Twins are useless, he could leave them."

"I wouldn't want Mike inside me," Ratchet shuddered. "She might try to molest my interior. And the unexplained male would ramble on and potentially leak everywhere. And who knows how the boy may act? He is socially unacceptable; might have a mental break and draw on me."

"What about the retard-ninja?" Sideswipe asked curiously.

"Do we even need to discuss him?" the CMO demanded.

So abruptly our rather rubbish 'heroes' are inside Bumblebee and we're driving around somewhere sandy and there's camels running. Road trip!

The retard-ninja snapped shut his phone. "_Ancient Sumerians used to call__the Gulf of Aqaba the 'Dagger's Tip'_."

"_That's the Dagger's Tip_," the boy said brilliantly.

Optimus quietly face-palmed. "I am increasingly losing conviction over the possibility of my resurRECTION."

"Maybe Captain Obvious was named too soon," Barricade muttered.

"_-like the tip of a **blaaade**_**-**"

"Why does he like that word so much?" Arcee demanded. "Fool-"

"Where'd the shard go?" Ironhide enquired aggressively. "Why cahn't we use it on Prihme?"

"Because the 'cons have it," Ratchet pointed out.

Accusing optics turned to Megatron.

"Don't look at me!" he ordered. "Don't look at _meeee_! ...Starscream, get them to stop looking at me."

"I don't know what happened to it," the Seeker complained. "Did you eat it?"

"Eat it? Through my chassis? You _idiot-_"

"_First thing we've got to do is get Optimus to the Dagger's Tip_," the boy announced authoritatively.

"You'll get me nowhere," Prime announced after a splutter. "Don't you get me anywhere!"

"_I'm gonna make a call,_" he continued.

"Look at the boy with all the answers!" Megatron rasped. "Thinks he's so brilliant, with his _calls_ and his _first thing_ and his _me me me_."

"_We got cops!_" the boy suddenly declaimed, and the movie-Autobots swerved around for no apparent reason.

"Why would they do that?" Skyfire asked incredulously. "And why are those police cars using their sirens? There is no intel that the crew are in Egypt. They are looking for the boy, not a concept Camaro and two other Chevrolet excuses."

"That's how you make yourself a target," Sideswipe explained to an attentive Bumblebee. "You draw attention to yourself needlessly. Please do this as often as you like when you're alone."

"_Sam, we got to get off this road and lay low!_"

"Why doesn't he tell that t'Bumblebee?" Jazz asked furiously. "'bee's th'one in control o' this here operation!"

Apparently not though, for the boy looked very focused in the Camaro's driving seat.

"What in the Pit is _wrong_ with this film?" Megatron howled wheezily, clambering to his pedes. "Why can't the yellow one drive itself? Surely he would be more competent-"

Without delay or explanation, Mike was suddenly heavily disguised, and the boy posed on a wall.

"Did she steal that garment?" Optimus asked indignantly. "A right has been revoked! A crime has been committed! A deviance has been do-"

"_This is what's called blendin' in like a ninja," _one of the retarded twins claimed, dangling from Bumblebee's grasp.

Nobody really cared which one it was. Names were irrelevant.

_"Shut up or I'll blend my fist in your face,_" the other snarked.

"What's the betting that one or both will perish?" Ratchet asked hopefully, twirling a paper maché wrench. "If Bumblebee drops it and it lands on its helm, damage could be caused-"

"It's already processor-damaged," Sideswipe sighed. "I _hope_."

_"_**_I_**_ gotta make the call to Lennox...__"_

Arcee pursed her lips thoughtfully. "What, did the good-looking one trade numbers with him or something? Lucky thing-"

_"You're on the Worldwide Wanted List-"_

"I'm on the Worldwide Wanted List, yeas," Megatron informed an uninterested cinema.

_"They'll track you here in seconds!" _the retarded ninja claimed in upset, hands circling around like nobody's business.

"Like: Soundwave track!" Soundwave cried happily.

_"__You're gonna call,_" the boy said, looking at the ninja-man as if he'd said something stupid. Apparently saying "_I_ gotta" is the equivalent to saying "_you_ gotta". Hm.

"What a plan," Sideswipe said dryly.

Now we're in New Jersey, apparently!

Soundwave looked confused as the movie-Autobots were wheeled away towards planes. "Query: purpose of netting?"

"We're sentient beings and we're _tied down_!" Optimus roared furiously as movie-Sideswipe moved offscreen. "I have beef with this!"

"Stop trying to be down with the Earthlings," Megatron scowled. "You don't sound groovy."

"You're the one saying 'groovy'," Prime said spitefully. "Even I know that _groovy_ is near archaic."

"Groovy!" Jazz cried. "Ah'll bring it back int'a use! Groovalicious! Groooooove!"

Sexy Beast continued to look unhappy, as he had throughout most of the film. "So_ we're shipping him back to base. This is such a mistake_."

"At least _he_ appreciates me," Optimus said. "Appreciates me as a being. Called me 'him' and everything."

"_Wonderful_," Megatron said. "I am delighted. But why does he consider going back a mistake? Where is the mistake?"

They thought about this.

"What are they going to do with your body?" Starscream asked suddenly. "Dump you in the ocean? Put you in a scrap yard? Reuse your parts? Compress you like a car?"

Megatron punched him soundly. "_Starscream_!"

Sexy Beast had a phone call!

"_Lennox, I'm with the kid,_" the retard-ninja said. "_The kid. You know, the one with the attitude, right?_"

"What on _Cybertron_ is that supposed to mean?" Ratchet demanded.

"He coulda jus' said 'boy'," Ironhide commented.

"Nah, that woulda been way too obvious t'someone listenin' in," Jazz disagreed.

"_Boy_ would be too obvious?" Sideswipe asked incredulously.

"Obviously," Barricade said. "That's his name, after all."

"I hate the boy."

"_We need the truck, the **truck**_."

"Suggestion: retard-ninja becomes Captain Reiteration."

Captain Reiteration continued away on his phone. "_We got a possible resur-_"

"Say it, Starscream!" Optimus howled ecstatically, flapping his arms at Soundwave until the film was paused.

The Seeker gave him a Look. "What?"

"_S_ay resur**rection**," Prime demanded. "It's my resur**rection** now."

"No," Starscream refused stubbornly.

Megatron laughed wheezily. "He only gets relieved over mine, Prime!"

Starscream silently stalked away and sat on a far seat.

"_Code **Tut** -as in King Tutankhamen-_"

"Fantastic code if he _explains it_," Skyfire grouched.

"_Write it down, write it!_" Captain Reiteration ordered quickly. "_Oh my god, I got to go, okay. Heat comes!_"

"The heat _is_ _coming,_" the irate shuttle corrected. "He can't even speak! He needed progressive tense, not whatever that was-"

Some well-disguised human ran up to the crew. The boy was not pleased; the speed the well-disguised human ran at dislodged the phone from the wall. "_Wait, who are you?_"

"How rude!" Bonecrusher grizzled. "I hate him."

"_It's me, Leo! Me. Leo, leo, leo!_"

"I got it!" Jazz cried suddenly. "Th'boy, unexplained male an' Captain Reiteration are related!"

"_What_?" Arcee demanded.

"They all repeat themselves- have around th'same skin tone, _and_," Jazz finished proudly, "there seems t'be a recurrin' theme of descendents meetin' Cybertronians. So why can't they b'Captain Reiteration's offspring?"

"The boy already has parents!" Ironhide pointed out indignantly. "Ah wahnted to kill them all up in th'first film."

"It's a lie!" Jazz shouted. "They're a wicked lie!""

"_Movemovemovemove,_" one of the newly anointed family trio spluttered.

Sexy Beast and his henchman returned for another scene with a brief cameo of a nameless co-ordinates man.

"_Egypt?_" henchman demanded. "_Are you serious?_"

"No, he's just lying for the fun of it," Megatron said. "That nameless co-ordinates man would make a fine Decepticon."

"Why wouldn't he be serious?" Ratchet scowled.

English man appeared along with a suspiciously glaring Chin-suit man, who apparently thought Sexy Beast and his cohort were suspicious, hence some suspicious folding of his suspicious arms.

"_Sir,_" English man said for no other reason than to remind the audience that British people are apparently involved with NEST. That means NEST aren't just American! The first film had some random Australian woman for the same purpose. NEST also have SRS BSNSS now with Egypt, so that makes it worldwide! Hurrah!

"_Even if we could figure out a way to get **big man **__over there, how is this **little kiii—id **supposed to-_"

"ResurRECT me," Optimus finished cheerfully, waving at Starscream who was refusing to participate.

"Big man?" Ratchet repeated disgustedly as the soldiers continued. "Little kid?"

"Who is the big man?" Optimus demanded suddenly.

"Obviously: Prime." Soundwave interjected.

"I'm the big man?" Optimus nodded. "I'm the big man, _yeaaah_. And the little kid?"

"Obviously: boy."

"Is it really obvious?" Jazz asked, with a confused pout. "Why don't th'make it simple?"

"It's a bit rude to call him a _little kid_," Arcee said thoughtfully.

"What are you saying?" Sideswipe asked gleefully. "I see you with Spike and Hot Rod- you think he's your adopted child or something-"

"LIES!" she roared and prepared to rip his helm off, only a restraining arm from Optimus (who knew how he had managed to reach that far) preventing an attack.

"_-we got to trust him,_" Sexy Beast finished firmly.

"Why?" Megatron roared wheezily. "What has the boy done to gain your trust? It's this that makes him so arrogant, so-"

"DESERT," Bumblebee squealed. "It's me again!"

"No, it isn't you," Barricade snickered spitefully. "It's a pretty Camaro with idiots inside it."

Bumblebee's wail was overridden by the Family Trio warbling away inside said Camaro.

"_Let's go over it again,_" the boy commanded.

"Haven't we gone over it enough already?" Ratchet growled, strangling a rope-wrench. "We've done nothing but go over it."

"_You know what it means?_"

The boy was confused. "_No. What does it mean?_"

"_I have no idea,_" Captain Reiteration replied.

"Kill me now," Starscream whined quietly from across the room, slowly sliding down his seat.

"Gladly," Megatron said, fusion cannon powering up-

"Oi," Jazz interrupted, "none o'the domestics today if y'please."

"But I don't please," Megatron argued. "I am _Megatron_, and I do tyrannical things because I am evil and-"

"_Ohmygod, oh my god. Checkpointcheckpoint,_" one of Captain Reiteration's offspring noted brightly.

Ironhide began to wonder about more interesting things and poked at an audio receptor. "If ah shot mahself _here_, would ah offline?"

"Depends," Ratchet said helpfully. "Max out your power levels and you might manage it."

The red mech considered this deeply. "An' if ah shot mahself _here_?"

"No, just a lot of pain."

"_Pass**po-ort**_**,**" some angry little man demanded.

"I hope they get arrested and die," Barricade wished fervently, shuttering his optics in the intensity of his desire.

"_They got cameras at the top,_" the boy observed, making no attempts to avoid being captured by them.

"Hey look!" Arcee cried gleefully, "isn't that an Oompa Loompa?"

"Don't be rude," Optimus said disapprovingly. "Just because he's even more stumpy than regular weeny humans doesn't mean he should be discriminated against."

"No, _really_," she insisted, "I think that's an Oompa Loompa."

"_This is espionage time,_" Captain Reiteration declared.

"Buh _ah_ do espionage," Jazz said glumly. "Why can't ah do it?"

Optimus patted him on his shoulder plating comfortingly. "I should be standing around nobly Jazz, but we don't all get what we deserve."

"_Little people are mean-_"

Megatron splurted out the dubiously-acquired drink he'd been sucking up through a straw. "I did not just hear the runt say that."

Munchkin-Oompa-Loompa dwarf man ran his finger along movie-Bumblebee with a hideous drawn-out squeak.

The Transformers shuddered in unison.

"If he put his fingers on me like that I would _break them_," Arcee vowed.

"I would _destroy_ him," Starscream hissed vehemently.

Captain Reiteration slowly lost his weird accent, and instead raised an arm in the air. "_This is my son,_" he declared.

A moment later, the boy popped under his arm.

"See?" Jazz roared victoriously. "Ah told yer!"

Mike and the unexplained male grinned fixedly as he continued. _"-my other son, my daughter_-"

"Which one's which?" Sideswipe cackled, raising a hand for a high-five. After a second, his entire face fell as he realised no yellow hand was going to greet his.

"_New York!_" the weeny man cried.

"I don't understand- is that some sort of secret password?" Ratchet asked incredulously as the barrier inexplicably lifted and they were all rushed through.

Soundwave was storing it away for future reference just in case when movie-Soundwave and his satellite appeared.

Optimus warily raised a hand ready to cover Bumblebee's optics, and Starscream practically flew back across the room should he need Megatron's hand again.

No comment was made.

"_Decepticons, boy's location: detected_."

Soundwave's visor gleamed with pride. "Soundwave: useful."

And that was that, surprisingly.

"Oh man," Barricade complained, "I blinked and missed you."

"Why were you blinking?" Ratchet asked. "You're a Cybertronian, damn it, not a Bayformer."

Movie-Starscream zoomed through the incredibly blue sky which wouldn't have looked out of place in a holiday brochure. He made some sort of spazzy noise.

"Oooh," Megatron said, "check you with your fancy Cybertronian lingo. Unluckily for _you,_ I understand it!"

"Everybody unnerstands," Ironhide pointed out, "it's on the bottom o'the screen-"

"Undermine the mighty Megatron, would you?" Megatron demanded in a very-Megatronly manner.

Back on the screen, nothing interesting was happening. The crew were now apparently ascending some cliff or something.

"_Undercover, yo, you gotta blend in with your surroundings-_"

"He sounds just like you," Starscream sneered to a horrified Jazz.

"Prime!" the saboteur wailed in anguish and tugged on his superior's arm, "yer can't let 'im say that!"

Optimus side-glanced at Megatron.

Megatron cannon-slapped Starscream.

Starscream was not happy.

"He's green," Arcee pointed out.

Skyfire snorted quietly. "He is neither teal nor orange and so _cannot_ be part of 'the landscape'. Does he know nothing about Hollywood film?"

Movie-Bumblebee charged past the Retarded Twin purposefully.

"_Argh,_" it cried as it fell, and the Transformers had cheap laughs.

"_Yeah, yeah,_" Captain Reiteration said to himself.

So they all ran towards some steps.

"_Guard us, low profile. Don't make a scene,_" the boy ordered.

"I hate him!" Bonecrusher scowled.

"How dare he command Bumblebee around like that?" Optimus demanded. "How arrogant!"

"_Dumb Autobots,_" the runt said, apparently forgetting he'd just tried to defect.

Movie-Bumblebee drove off.

"I hope he's leaving the boy!" Arcee said angrily. "Forever!"

Mike and the boy appeared with a soft instrumental.

"Oh Primus," Megatron choked, looking slightly sick, "they're wasting our interaction time on this?"

"_Being my girlfriend is hazardous to your health._"

Ratchet had a different diagnosis. "Being the _boy_ is hazardous to everybody's health."

"Watching this is hazardous to my health," the Fallen announced. "Where am I? Why aren't people burning and dying?"

"_Girls like dang-irr-uss boys,_" Mike replied, baring her teeth.

"The boy is a danger t'himself," Jazz agreed, "but not t'anyone else."

"That's why fangirls prefer Decepticons," Megatron said. "We are mean and dangerous and stuff."

"_You might as well just **say it**,_" she continued.

"In the name of Kup's cigar!" Prime exploded. "Why must she dribble on?"

"_You realise I just flew three-thousand miles to keep you from getting killed?_"

"Shouldn't have bothered," Arcee shrugged. "Stupid girl."

"-_you still can't even tell me that you love me,_" Mike whined.

"Tell the boy you love _him!_" Skyfire nearly snarled. "Is it so hard-"

"How selfish!" Optimus continued angrily, "I have just _died_ for this fool and she whines about something so trivial? Perhaps he is in mourning, or-"

"_Pyramids,_" the boy said, and they were off again.

The unexplained male and Captain Reiteration were snuggled against each other. I find this quite cute, actually, or I would if it didn't look like one was trying to eat the other's hair.

Jazz was smug. "See? _They_ know they family. "

Whilst the unexplained male snarked away at the boy, Captain Reiteration had a fixedly startled look.

"Has he been caught doing something inappropriate?" Sideswipe asked.

Ratchet shrugged. "All of this is inappropriate, it shouldn't matter."

"_Here. Get up, up up._"

"This film could be made inta a beautiful remix," Jazz said thoughtfully.

Soundwave fast-forwarded through some ridiculous exposition and unlikely plot developments, and then unsurprisingly through more shots of flash cars driving around.

"Wait!" Sideswipe cried suddenly, "NEST- something interesting might happen now!"

Optimus looked quite pleased. "I have most of a plane to myself."

"Why is your hand resting there?" Megatron demanded.

"Resting where?"

"You can see where it's resting. Why is it _there_?"

"My hand can go wherever it likes," Prime refuted. "You're jealous because you don't have hands, clawed thing."

Chin-Suit Man froze in the middle of violently investigating a newspaper. "_Bailout? Bailout? Bailout? Bailout_?"

"Do you know," Arcee said, "I think they might be bailing out."

"No," Sideswipe shook his helm. "It wasn't very clear."

"He's very excited about it," Bumblebee noted.

"_Whaaaa?_" The good-looking human wasn't overly sophisticated in hiding his glee. _"__All right, teee-am, grab your chu-uutes,_" he managed to drawl out enthusiastically.

"_Bailout like bailout_?"

"No," Starscream hissed. "Bailout like _not_ bailout, Captain Bailout."

"_Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're behind this, aren't you?_"

"He's good!" Jazz whistled.

"Behind what?" Bumblebee asked naively. "The plane's in trouble!"

"O' course it is," Ironhide said kindly.

"Don't they need to put chutes on Optimus too?"

"No," Skyfire said, "the ground is covered in a giant Optimus-specific bouncy castle. He'll just flop onto it quite gracefully."

_"__I'm just following orders to the **letter**. Isn't that what you said?_"

"Burnnnn," Sideswipe whispered gleefully as Captain Bailout's face contorted in ragey looking pain.

_"__You just signed a death warrant on your career, Major-_"

"As _if,_" Barricade scowled. "He's done nothing wrong."

"_I have an ulcer!_" Captain Bailout cried as he was dragged to his doom.

"I hope it consumes you from within!" Optimus smiled cheerfully.

_"__I have to secure the **VIPeeeeeees** **first**!_" the good-looking one explained emphatically.

"That's my pede," Prime noted. "Look, it's right there. It's _huge!_"

"They're such femmes!" Megatron declaimed loudly as the soldier slapped Captain Bailout. "Slap him again!"

Arcee silently unsubspaced a pistol.

The good-looking one started making manic movements. "_I need you to pull it really hard-!_"

"That's what she said," Starscream interjected smugly.

Optimus shot him a dirty look over Bumblebee's helm.

"_Argggggh,_" Captain Bailout cried as he shot out into the sky.

The Transformers cackled.

"Can we do that to the boy- without a parachute?" Skyfire enquired. "And to all the humans, really."

"I don't see why not," Prime said. "Let's hope it happens."

The gingery-dead man from the first film appeared briefly with a note from the good-looking soldier person.

"_Bring the rain_?" Bumblebee read slowly. "Can you bring rain?"

"Apparently," Sideswipe shrugged. "I hope they have umbrellas."

"I hate rain!" Starscream raged. "Unless immediately polished, horrid streaks are left on my gorgeous paintwork!"

"I feel your pain," the Lamborghini said solemnly, and they shared their agony in a moment of silence.

"_You've got to be kidding me!_" the dead-man declared.

"Why does nobody just believe something in this film?" Ratchet snarled, a soft clay wrench clasped tightly in his hand. "Why must they make such _inane _utterances-"

"_CIA just got a hit on the boy-_"

"The boy!" Prime cried joyously, "who still doesn't have a name!"

"_It's getting hotter,_" dead-man said.

"Inane," Ratchet repeated lowly. "Why can't he say 'Oh, how interesting', or-"

"Th'game's afoot!" Jazz suggested.

"Precisely."

* * *

Back in Egypt, divine instrumentals indicated that the crew had found the Primes' corpses.

Wheelie had disappeared, but nobody really cared.

The unexplained male was unhappy. "-_we're trusting Grandpa Blackbird who doesn't even know what planet he's on?_"

Skyfire bristled. "_Grandpa Blackbird? _I'll give you-"

Jazz was outraged. "Why, you- try readin' _Tales of the Fallen_ or _Sector 7 _an' insult Captain Obvious like that, impudent whelp!"

"_In his defense, this is the biggest doorway I've ever seen in my entire life,_" Captain Reiteration mused, spinning about.

"You live in a deli," Sideswipe pointed out. "And a meatlocker. Are those notorious for large doorways?"

But no, unexplained male had decided he'd had enough, and he ranted on until Captain Reiteration stood up for the Cause.

_"Sometimes you get to the end of the rainbow and the leprechauns went and booby-trapped it!_"

"I think he's on drugs," Ratchet said cheerfully.

"Rainbows explode?" Bumblebee asked, horrified.

"In Bay films," Optimus said helpfully.

_"I mean, what you ever done for us except ding my rim?_"

"Ding his rim? What does that even mean?" Starscream demanded.

"_Killed Megatron. How about that?_"

Megatron pouted angrily. "Lies! The orn a puny fleshling damages me is the orn-"

Optimus sniggered quietly.

"_I'm ugly? Well, we're twins, you stupid genius!_"

"Oxymoron," Skyfire said tiredly. "Twerps."

"At least Sunny and I are beautiful," Sideswipe commented proudly. "Although I must say-"

"_Bring it, then! Get off me_!" the other cried.

"He seems confused over what he wants," Prime noted.

_"I'll change your face around!"_

_"I'll get all up in that ass!"_

"Graphic," Arcee grimaced. "I must say, I won't complain about you and Sunny anymore."

Movie-Bumblebee did not appreciate the danger presented to the boy (unfortunately), and so put a satisfyingly violent end to the Twins' idiotic behaviour.

How lucky! One of them splatted into a wall, hoorah, and the film can progress because of the Big Reveal.

"**_Bee_**_!" _the boy roared commandingly, jabbing at the hole._ "Shoot it._"

"If only the humans were with incredibly intelligent and powerful entities," Skyfire said. "They might be autonomous and be able to do things by themselves. I suppose that's just unlikely."

"I hope they get blinded by that sand," Ratchet said.

"_These are the bodies Jetfire was talking about."_

"Believe me now?" Skyfire demanded.

Captain Reiteration decided it was appropriate to shout "_Yo_" in the sacred place.

"_The Matrix,"_ the boy said reverently, zooming towards something small, silver and spiky.

You call that the Matrix?" Ironhide demanded. "It looks nothing _like-_"

Megatron perked up. "Say, Prime- open your chassis up so we can get a good look at how it _should _be-"

"Burn in the Pit," Optimus snapped.

"Come come," the Decepticon wheedled, fingers twitching. "Just a peek!"

"I will throw you _through_ the screen," Optimus threatened lowly. "And then I will destroy you. Piece by piece."

"Will you take his face?" Bumblebee asked cheerily.

"I might. Not out of violence," he added quickly, "but out of curiosity. There is clearly something in the action that my counterpart enjoys."

"Still," Ratchet said, "that doesn't excuse the _retarded_ look of the Matrix! "

"Well now," Arcee said, "It isn't unexpected. Everything in the Bayverse is needlessly complicated and spiky."

Megatron nodded sympathetically. "It is clearly modelled for _me_ as a fashion accessory_, _Prime. I will collect it from the boy's cold fingers."

The Important Artefact That Looked Nothing Like The Matrix suddenly crumbled.

"Who's in _trouble now_?" Megatron rasped gleefully.

"That's clearly supposed to happen," Optimus said. "It's an easier method for transportation."

"The Pit it is," the Decepticon returned. "It's in pieces!"

"_Thousands of years, turned to dust,_" Captain Reiteration said softly, and it suddenly hit the more hopeful audience members that this was not supposed to happen.

"Shit," Prime said near inaudibly before rushing out of the room suddenly.

"Prime?" Ironhide called worriedly. "Y-"

A wild wail was returned. "I need to buy refreshments!"

Bumblebee hiccupped in the ensuing silence.

Sideswipe ventilated heavily and broke the silence. "He's having a breakdown, isn't he."

"I could cheer him up," Megatron offered slyly.

"Shut up," Ratchet said. "Ironhide, you go. Your face is laughable, might cheer him up."

The red mech hastily left the screening and peered out into the empty hallway. He began to call out to his leader, but the name died on his lips when he heard a quiet sob.

/In a bad way,/ he commed the medic. /Goin' in./

Before he could even take a step, Ratchet was suddenly beside him. "Second thoughts, you're incapable of not putting your pede in it. You look funny, I'll talk."

"Groovy."

They advanced towards the bathroom, the origin of the noises.

"Prime?" Ironhide enquired gently.

"That's quite enough talking from you," Ratchet said. "You're sure to say something inappropriate. If you value your _life_, be silent now."

Ironhide did happen to value his life, and after a couple more moments and a brief investigation, they realised Optimus was crying in a cubicle.

"How did yer fit in there?" Ironhide asked curiously.

Ratchet clouted him. "How does that matter?"

"You okay?" the red mech tried again.

"Of _course _he isn't okay," Ratchet hissed. "...Optimus? Open the door, let us in."

"Or ah'll blow it up," Ironhide offered helpfully.

There was a click as the lock was removed; the door swung gently open and greeted them with the rather pathetic sight of their miserable commander.

"Things aren't so bad," Ratchet said with vague hope, trying to summon enthusiasm. "Cheer up."

"I'm fine," Prime mumbled from behind his hands. "I'll be back in a moment. I just fell into the toilet and have solvent in my optics. Just flushing it out."

"Oh," Ironhide said. "C'mon, Ratch-"

Ratchet cast him an odd look. "You are _stupid_, Ironhide. Go and steal some refreshments. I will- aid the _cleaning process_."

Ironhide agreed enthusiastically and departed after enquiring what food they both would like.

Ratchet managed to wait until he had left the toilet before narrowing his optics. "That mech is retarded, Optimus."

Prime sniffled, shoulder shaking as he continued crying.

"This isn't very dignified or Primely," the CMO said. "Think about your reputation, mech."

Optimus managed something that Ratchet translated to be something along the lines of "I'm dead forever and Megatron will win and laugh at me and I didn't even get to tell everyone I loved them lots".

"Of course Megatron won't laugh at you because you're dead," Ratchet said. "He's a nutter, he laughs at everyone. Besides, he wouldn't laugh anyway; he much prefers you alive. And we all know that you love us. You tell us nearly every orn."

"Oh," Optimus choked.

"We love you too," Ratchet said in a pained wheeze.

"You love me?" Prime managed to say. "_You_?"

"Possibly."

He burst into tears again-

"Fine fine, I do. Just think positively," the CMO said, smiling slightly about something. "Think about inflicting great torment on those you hate and getting away with it daily."

Optimus choked back another sob.

"Seriously, you must stop crying," Ratchet said abruptly, "else your mask will fill with tears and you won't be able to ventilate. I won't save you."

* * *

Meanwhile:

_"US Air Force! C-**seventeeeeeens**!" _Captain Reiteration screamed, charging off like an ADD child on sugar.

The unexplained male followed him like a puppy, abandoning the actual Important Mission.

"At least Mike is still there," Arcee pointed out.

"Why is her artificial lip enhancement still perfectly applied?" Starscream raged. "It's ridiculous!"

"A girl's got to look good," Arcee protested.

"Good thing you're not a girl-"

She slapped him.

"Ow!" Starscream screeched, hand clasped to his burning cheek. "That hurt!"

"That was the _intention_, you-"

"I can make the pain go away," Megatron said hopefully, wiggling his monobrow thing.

"How?" the Seeker demanded.

"By punching you in another part of your body."

"So helpful."

"So kind!" Megatron agreed.

"I'd offer you painkillers," Ratchet said, returning from his Prime-mission, "but I don't care about you."

Bumblebee giggled. "Ratch, you're so sweet."

"I know."

"_You can't bring him back,_" Mike said gently.

"Why th'Pit not?" Jazz demanded. "He's Prime. He doesn't know howta stay dead."

"Tell Optimus that," Ratchet whispered discreetly. "Cheer him up a bit when he comes back."

_"Look! Look around you," _the boy ordered.

"Yes, look at the corpses!" Starscream cried.

"_The voices and the symbols in my head led us here for a purpose._"

"No," Ratchet said slowly, "that's just schizophrenia."

_"Everyone's after me because of what I know, and what I know is that this is going to work."_

Megatron sighed angrily. "My movie-self wants him for the Matrix's location, not because he knows it's going _to work_, whatever that means."

"_How do you know it's gonna work?"_

"_Because I believe_ _it_," the boy said with great conviction.

"Is his name Naruto?" Jazz wondered, half-wondering if he was going to don an orange jumpsuit.

"That isn't a _reason!_" Ratchet beat his own forehelm with a wrench, which was unfortunately another wrench Optimus hadn't replaced. A sizable dent appeared. "_Ow-_ curse you, boy!"

Ironhide bravely retrieved the wrench from the seething, rocking CMO before it could be hurled at the screen.

"This is nonsensical," Starscream whined. "Can I go now?"

_"You best let me out of this plane," _movie-Ironhide said gravely as the movie-Autobots broke free of the pathetic netting.

Sideswipe squealed. "That was me! I was there too!"

"_Dropping the big boy_-"

"Soundwave dislikes connotation that Prime is like the boy," Soundwave said.

"I'm bigger!" Megatron rasped furiously, "I am the biggest!"

_"You think you can bring him back to life with that pixie dust?"_

"Mmm," Starscream said, "how reassuring."

"...Surely we should wait for Optimus?" the Decepticon Commander said suddenly. "I want to see his face when my faction triumphs over his."

Ratchet decided to pay another visit to the toilets.

* * *

Oooer, it's been a bit of a while. Do you think we'll finish before Dark of the Moon? ;) And _eeeh_, it won't be long now! 8D

At any rate, next chapter should be the last! (_phew_)


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